The Crappiest Teams in College Football

Hey college football fans! Are you ready for a new season of despair?
Hey college football fans! Are you ready for a new season of despair?

By Keysha Hogan

Recently the National Football Foundation announced a record number of college football teams will be playing in the 2013 season including nine new programs suiting up for National Collegiate Athletic Association play and three starting  at the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics level.

While there is excitement that accompanies any growth there also is the statistical certainty of a lot of big ‘ole failures. As we look forward to whatever this year may bring, let’s take a yawn-filled look at the most uneventful, unexciting, unimpressive, unmemorable, and unremarkable teams in Division I football.

10. Northwestern University Wildcats
Let’s begin this sad affair with the Wildcats. Their all-time record is 489-622-44 (.442) and that is since they started in 1876. They lose so often, it’s basically a tradition. In this new century they’ve been doing better by winning three Big Ten championships and remaining “bowl eligible” for seven of the past eight seasons. Last year they won the Gator Bowl, but before that their last bowl game win was in the first term of former President Harry S. Truman.

9. Rice University Owls
Of all the powerhouse teams in Texas, Rice has just never made the cut. At 428-565-32 (.440) there have been moments of victory, unfortunately most of them were in the 1950s. In 1994, the Owls celebrated a conference win, but for now we’ll have to leave it to the usual Texas teams to make us proud on the national stage.

8. Florida Atlantic University Owls
Honestly, the jury is still out on this program. The team started in 2001 and has a record of 58-74 (.439). So far these Owls have won two bowl games, and are moving into Conference USA where they might stand a chance of building something worthwhile. At this point it’s really too soon to tell, but they must produce better numbers this year to get off this list.

7. University of Texas at El Paso Miners
You’d think having two Texas teams on this list would be impossible, but UTEP is on the border so it just made the cut. But who can argue with a chronically-disappointing record of 298-473-18 (.389). The Miners only made it this high on our list because they have managed to appear in 13 bowl games and win five of them. It’s not much, but on this list won.”

6. Indiana University Hoosiers
Next up are the heavyhearted Hoosiers. This college has had a football team since 1887 and stands at 454-624-45 (.424) after 125 years. In all that time, they have two conference titles and won three of their nine trips to bowl games. The  biggest news to come from the Hoosiers this offseason is the arrival of new custom Adidas cleats. So yeah.

5. University of Buffalo Bulls
Good memories for U of B students are made in the classroom instead of on the school’s field. A record of 360-478-28 (.432) is certainly nothing to celebrate. In 2008 the Bulls lost their only bowl game appearance which is far more sad when you learn they have been playing football since 1894. Surviving 118 years of awfulness is a testament to the grit that comes with folks from upstate New York.

4. New Mexico State University Aggies
It feels as if these Aggies have been turning in gruesome performances forever. Their all-time record stands at 422-587-31 (.421) and shows little sign of improving even with a new head coach and offensive coordinator. They last won a conference title 33 years ago, and are limping through a 51-year bowl drought, the longest in Division 1A/Football Bowl Series history. Maybe in 2014, the switch to the Sun Belt Conference will resuscitate this terminal team.

3. University of Louisiana at Monroe Warhawks
The overall record of 286-371-8 (.436) does nothing to inspire the type of terror a Warhawk should inspire. They have won five conference titles and one Football Championship Series National Championship. But this past December in their first bowl game they lost by 31 depressing points at the Independence Bowl. #BummerBowl

2. Florida International University Golden Panthers
This may not be fair, since FIU has only been in the business of college football since 2002 but it has a dismal record of 39-79 (.331). There could be a future for the Golden Panthers since they have a conference title and have been victorious in one of two bowl game appearances. This year the Panthers join Conference USA and hope to pull a few upsets so they don’t begin a new era with a legacy of lameness.

1. Kent State University Golden Flashes
With an all-time record of 320-499-28 (.394), the Golden Flushes (ahem) Flashes top our list as the worst of the worst. In their 92-year history they have appeared in two bowl games which ended in defeat. In 2012 they managed to rally and placed 25th in the Associated Press weekly poll for the first time since the 70s.