Rock and Roll proves God Exists

It's true! Rock and Roll can save us all!
It’s true! Rock and Roll can save us all!

By Peter Gerstenzang

If you’re the sort of person who takes note of the evils and injustices of the world, it’s easy to look around and feel this is a Godless universe. There’s endless genocide. Climate change. You go to the supermarket and they’ve got Josh Groban singing “Vincent”. If there was a God, would he allow such atrocities? Especially that Don McLean cover?

But recently, rock and roll has managed to provide reasons to believe in a Supreme Deity. Like when Billy Joel announced he wouldn’t be writing any more songs. At least, until The Rapture. Or we, as a nation, recovered from “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. Whichever comes first. Here are more rockin’ examples of why I’m now certain there’s a God.

Ted Nugent – Sure, he spews forth so much hateful propaganda that Joseph Goebbels would’ve told him to cool it. He’s got more guns than the entire Mid-Atlantic region. And he’s making big bucks. But the joke’s on Ted. His music career is now officially over. Except for that prestige gig he has this summer. Playing in the circus sideshow for Jo Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. Way to go, God!

Motley Crue – The fact that this musical version of The Killing Fields finally broke up is irrefutable proof of a higher power. Then again, it’s also freed Vince Neil to go solo. Making him the first vocalist to sing the national anthem and change keys with every word. So, it must be acknowledged: yes, there’s a God. But Satan is still giving him a run for his money.

Pharrell Williams – Successfully sued for stealing a big chunk of Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up” to make Robin Thicke’s hit “Blurred Lines”, which was originally titled “Blurred Lines” (Between Honesty and Being Incredibly Skeevy). Pharrell is furious about this Marvin Gaye comparison. And said it will all be settled with his next song, “Sexual Healing”. Williams also has a back-up plan, judging from his hat. If this song tanks, he’s going to return to his original job: being a World War I Doughboy.

Kevin Costner/Jeff Bridges – All so busy, not one of these guys has been able to make an album for years. Please keep sending them scripts to read. Long ones. With sequels. And anyone even suspected of encouraging these evil twins to record again will be very sorry. Go ahead and laugh and claim you don’t believe in God’s wrath. Yes, those are locusts in your backyard. And festering boils all over your back.

The Kanye West Backlash – Scheduled to headline at England’s Glastonbury Concert, the British have collected 60,000 signatures protesting the talented, but obnoxious rapper from topping the bill. If this sort of thing keeps happening, Kanye will only be able to get a gig headlining one tour. That’s right, Ted Nugent. Who will be playing nothing but the finest rib fests and gun shows. Vengeance is mine, Saith The Lord!