It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
You’ll have a sinking feeling when you’re shown what actual hand-ball is and realize you have to call the cops on your uncle because the version of the game he taught you.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
With Facebook getting a “dislike” button soon, your death next week is still going be “liked.”
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
In our ever-progressing society you needn’t worry, your Rape-esq vibes and approach to dating are still accepted if you join a fraternity.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Your parents use to secretly hope you would be kidnapped while you were growing up, but now that you’re an adult they just hope you get stabbed so they can have something for which to be thankful.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Keep posting on Facebook that being single is your choice and fun. No one’s buying it.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Your friends don’t invite you out because just like Kim Davis you make anyone you are seen with less cool.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Hindsight is 20/20 but you probably shouldn’t have answered the Craigslist ad promising the “authentic” 50 Shades of Gray Experience. A sore butthole will pass, but the scars will remain.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
If you ever feel like the universe is against you, that’s because it is. In fact it’s been harboring a pretty intense grudge since you were conceived.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
Some people see the glass as half-full or half-empty. You on the other hand just assume you’re going to choke on the water.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Everyone thinks you’re a part of the protest after your dildo fell out of your bag, but they don’t know it’s just business as usual for you. Celebrate the small victories.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Waking up in a Batman suit made of trash-bags behind a Panda Express would be alarming to most, for you it’s a good Monday morning.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Food Porn hashtags will continue to frustrate you after your cake-sitting fetish fails to gain popularity.