Right-Wing Rockers Unite!

Our nations right-wings rockers are leading us into the future. On board?
Our nation’s right-wing rockers are leading us into the future. On board?

By Peter Gerstenzang

As we ready for the first series of debates with that psychotic circus, that kooky right-wing Coachella we call the Republican Party, I’ve been thinking. Which everyone knows is never easy for me. But I was wondering recently, who are some of the most entertainingly conservative rockers? You know, who look like Mike Bloomfield but act like Mike Huckabee. So I’ve compiled an annotated list of my favorite Neo-Con musicians. Most of whom are burning up the Ribfest and tractor-pull circuit this summer. When they’re not saying stuff so reactionary it makes Toby Keith sound like Mahatma Ghandi.

Meat Loaf: I’ve always loved this guy. He’s the size of your neighborhood food co-op and sings with the subtlety of Tarzan “Lord of the Apes.” His crowning achievement came in 2012, when he backed Mitt Romney and sang “America the Beautiful” for him. In that Avant garde arrangement, which allowed ‘Meat’ to change keys with every note. Worries about the absence of school prayer. Should worry more about his new album: Bat Out of Hell 15: This Time, Even I’m Fucking Embarrassed.

Kid Rock: He’s the “Sybil of Rock.” Twelve different musical personalities, each one more barfworthy than the last. Yep, the cat with hair that looks like rancid capellini and has song titles like “Bawitdaba” (which was discarded by Leonard Cohen), raps, plays country and also is a trained Tuvan Throat singer. If that isn’t enticing enough, he also hangs with Ted Nugent. And not since McCain paired with Sarah Palin has anybody wondered so hard who got the worst end of that deal. He’s made a fortune, too. Which, more than the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, proves there’s no God.

Ted Nugent: Racist, misogynistic and crazy as catshit, “The Nuge” is so right wing, he’s actually convinced scores of conservatives to join The Black Panthers. If there’s cosmic justice, there will be many animals in the afterlife. And Ted will be forced to marry an angry Elk. And, oh, what a honeymoon night that’s going to be!

Mike Love: It’s never a good sign when a group on Facebook continually talks about why you’re a douchebag. Sometimes this Beach Boy bashes Obama. Sometimes he sings. Most terrifying is when he dresses up like Captain Stubing on The Love Boat. Does transcendental meditation and is still mean as a snake. And, without TM, would unquestionably be a mass murderer.

Eric Clapton and Roger Waters: When Clapton’s not busy being God, he’s been known to make statements about people of color so ghastly, he was chastised by Ted Nugent. Roger Waters has been bashing Israel for so long, they’re thinking of adding an epilogue about him in the Old Testament. Waters is too busy to respond, because he’s working on his next project: a musical based on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. He’s in talks with Elvis Costello to play the lead. Will it happen? Come back next month. I’ll update you.