Horrorscopes: April 2015

So there's Waldo taking a selfie! Photo Courtesy: Steve Baker
So there’s Waldo! Taking a selfie? Photo Courtesy: Steve Baker

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Aries: March 21-April 19
On your birthday you’ll witness a man masturbate into a urinal, miss, fart and then leave without washing his hands.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
While having sex with your girlfriend, some homeless person will come up to the window and start doing a voiceover like Morgan Freeman.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
Later this month your doctor will diagnose you with “dicken pox” due to your nether region razor burn and will prescribe some shaving cream.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
Several people at work approach you and ask if you’re ‘that lad from the paper.’ Turns out your  doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year.

Leo: July 23-August 22
So this is what your life has come down to: black and blue or white and gold dress.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
You’ll get a call from a potential employer who will spend five minutes explaining the job duties. Five minutes later, you’ll learn why you aren’t the right person for the job.

Libra: September 23-October 22
The lone bright spot in your day as a cashier at Walmart will be when you overhear a woman mention that the secret to keeping a guy for life is to give him anal and that it’s important to clean your “shitter” beforehand.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your girl’s obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitches at you for having trash in your trash can.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
So now that you know what “Shrek Porn” is, what do you think?

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Your girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life starting with your penis.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
This month you’ll receive your performance review from work. Under the “oral communication” category your boss wrote that you “act like an asshole.”

Pisces: February 19-March 20
Your mother will walk in on you watching porn. As punishment, she’ll sit down and make you watch the rest of it with her as she gives play-by-play commentary.