By Cote Bailey
Because it’s better to have loved and run for the hills than to have never loved at all and our fondness for gin in dimly lit rooms, it may be time to come to grips with your odds of spending the afterlife in a slightly warmer climate. And if Hell is half as bad as we’ve heard, these are your exes who surely are waiting to re-torture you. Yeah, it’s going to be a rough eternity.
The One-Night Stand That Stuck Around
You remember, one night in college when you hooked up with that quiet girl from Introduction to Astronomy and left before she woke up only to realize that you left your favorite sweatshirt. She spent the next six-weeks trying to return it…guess what she’ll be wearing when she sees you.
The Girl Whose Heart You Broke In High School
You invited her to the dance and then wound up making out with her friend behind the bleachers. Expect the Prometheus liver/eagle treatment except you are Prometheus and the liver is your family jewels and the eagle is her swift kick.
The Insanely Hot, Crazy Chick
This girl was 10 years out of your league. She owned a copy of the Kama Sutra that had handwritten page critiques inside and was absolutely bad news everywhere she went.
The One That Got Away
Oh she won’t actually be there. There’ll just be a beautiful portrait of her in the room where the other women are torturing you.
Besides her role as the Patron Saint of Evil Things and the taker of the house, the dog, and half your collection of Aerosmith records, she also serves as ruler of Dante’s Ninth-Circle of Hell. Just imagine a castration with a jagged rusty nail that lasts from now until to let’s say forever.