Dear Arthur,
I cheated on my girlfriend “Shelby” last weekend with a co-worker! My girlfriend was totally clueless, until the girl posted a picture of herself wearing the t-shirt that I left at her place on Facebook. The problem is, my co-worker is also the aunt of Shelby’s kids. So, she found out quickly! How do I get my now ex-girlfriend back and still have the freedom to cheat when I want to?
T-Shirts Aren’t My Friend
Chuck Palahniuk may have my head for this, but I took the liberty of adapting his Fight Club rules to your situation.
The first rule of Cheating is: You do not talk about Cheating to your boys. The second rule of Cheating is: You do not befriend the chick on Facebook. The third rule of Cheating: if she wants to take pictures of you, have a sleepover, or follow you on Twitter, the cheating is over. Fourth rule: only cheat with strangers. Fifth rule: one girl at a time, guys! Sixth rule: no bipolar chicks, no depressed girls, or co-dependent chicks. Seventh rule: cheating goes on until the girl is sexually satisfied. Never leave them wanting more. And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first time getting caught cheating always blame the girl, because you were in a vulnerable place in your life when it happened!
I came up with these rules to help guys like you cheat without getting caught, thrown in jail, murdered, or whatever crime of passion your girlfriends or wives have planned for you. I personally do not agree with cheating!
Tell Shelby the truth, you’re a CHEATER and proud of it! If she takes you back, that’s on her! She’ll have to live with the consequences!