Pocketful of Peens: October 16th 2012

We’ve all seen the commercials claiming that one in five relationships begin with an online dating site. That’s all fine and dandy. Some would even say, don’t knock it ‘til you try it. But what about Craigslist? Considering you can get a free, pissed on, ratty couch on Craigslist, is this really the spot to be looking for a mate? Maybe just a hot summer sweat screw.


I was still blindly enchanted by the boyfriend who shit on my sheets. You remember the one. It had been eight months into our courtship and we were in the toxic cycle of  big blow-out fights and then needy, all-consuming make-up sex. Everyone under the sun saw we brought out the worst in one another and advised me to break up with him. Of course I knew they were wrong and it was us against the world. The thought of him now repulses me and I wish I would have wised up way sooner. I saw red flags on the first date but kept strumming along with his mediocre offerings. The people who truly love you really do know best.


Anyway, he left his email up on my computer one day because he had to print some stupid coupon for motorcycle maintenance. I swear he offered that motorcycle more affection than he offered his own girlfriend, the supposed love of his life. This motorcycle dilemma was a huge pain in our relationship and always caused a fight. He talked the love talk, but really he was a little boy wanting to play with big boy toys.


Since his email was up on my computer, of course I was going to look. Honestly, I knew deep down that a life with him would always feel a little empty, wrong and like I was selling myself short. I knew I was out of his league but felt tied to him for some odd reason. Perhaps this email snooping would be the clarity I truly needed. Also, a realization that you don’t go looking for something unless you’re hoping to find some dirt.


I am clicking through his emails and not discovering anything earth-shattering. Little notes here and there from his ex-girlfriend but we all have an “ex file” so I wasn’t disturbed. Just as I’m about to log out because I’m consumed by guilt, I see a Craigslist personal ad email. I figured it was some tool set or motorcycle part. Luckily, I clicked on the email and bam…a photo of him taking one of those gross bathroom shots in the mirror. He had his lips curled up in a “sexy snarl” and he was tugging on his jeans to show off the top of his bush. I screamed in horror, shooting tears out of my eyes. At that very moment, I literally felt like my whole entire world was crumbling in and I couldn’t get full breaths. The only thought in my head was, “But I was going to marry him.” I have never had anyone shock me to the core as much as he did in that moment.


As I dove deeper into all the Craigslist-related personal ads, the details and photos got more graphic and disgusting. It was glorified porn. During our sex sessions, I’d never heard him use the language he was using on these slutty twits. So much licking, stroking and petting. I was mortified! How and why would he solicit all these reckless sexscapades? Granted, these Craigslist emails were from a couple years prior before we knew one another, but with this shady activity, who knows what else he’s into. And we had even watched The Craigslist Killer on Lifetime together. I remember sitting on the couch, my head on his shoulder, asking him if he’d ever answered any Craigslist personal ads. He laughed in my face and said, “Come on, don’t even joke about that.” Well this jig is up and you best be getting your shit out of my apartment!


I call up the girl who set us up and she dashed over immediately to my rescue. She was literally holding me up as I was blubbering uncontrollably. She commanded me to call him right then and there and hit him with a dose of honesty and break up with his ass. As I dialed his number, my heart rattled in my chest and I had to sit on my free hand to stop it from shaking. I delivered the truth right away, confessing that I went through his email. He then turned it on me, screamed at me and said he couldn’t believe he was with someone like me. Someone who would go through his emails. Of course I retreated as I did with him. He had this way of paralyzing me, making me feel insignificant and wrong all the time. I told him I didn’t trust him and I was glad I went through his emails. As I looked at my friend, she supplied me with a little courage. I felt myself stand a little taller and I calmly retorted, “I can’t believe I was with someone who would solicit sex on Craigslist.” Pretty sure that takes the cake buddy. Although he said he never actually went through with any of the romantic transactions (yeah right) you’re still sick in the head for flaunting peek-a-boo pics of your bush on the Internet.


I never really understood the girls who were so enamored with their loves that they were inconsolable upon a breakup. Well now I do. I was so distraught I had to have someone with me at all times. They later told me they heard my cries of despair all through the night and even when I was taking a shower the next morning. I can still remember the crippling feeling of waking up the next day and wishing it didn’t happen. Now I can laugh about the situation, but at the time, I was virtually hopeless.


Unfortunately it wasn’t a clean break. He would show up randomly at my apartment with flowers and I would try to hide my car in random spots so he wouldn’t think I was home. And of course I was still in love with him although I violently desired not to be. It was the hardest struggle I’ve ever been through but now I feel loads and loads stronger because of it.


You can double damn guarantee I have a cautionary line to end this twisted nightmare. Get the deal breakers up front. See what you can live with and what you’re going to have to trade in. If I would have known about the Craigslist solicitation from the initial stages of our relationship, I would never gotten tossed up in the sheets and fallen in love with this sketchazoid. Better yet, have some common sense and avoid the Internet sex route and just drum up business the old fashion way, at a bar. I’m not one for “midnight stranger sex” but with some folks it’s all the rage. Find your midnight stranger in the real world and maybe buy them a drink first before you show them all your goodies.