Pocketful of Peens: September 17th 2012

Every once in a while, a girl feels special when she’s completely surprised and asked out by a stranger. Your personality could potentially be a complete bore, but the guy thinks you’re hot enough to give you a shot. Total pump-up for the self esteem. This happened to me recently and it was pretty darn exciting.


The date request wasn’t completely shocking. I’d been receiving various prank calls, which were funny as hell, from a chiropractor friend and his business partner. I thought, “y’all are pushing 30 and still making prank calls, but I kind of accept.” After enough giggles and comical voice mails, I received a straight up serious call from Dr. Crack Me (that’s what we’ll call him for the purpose of this little diddy). He said he’d love to take me out on a date. I hadn’t seen this guy at all. I just knew he was a belly-laughing son of a bitch. I thought he might be ass ugly but at least he’d keep me laughing through the whole dinner.


A couple days, texts, Facebook messages and calls passed. This chap was blowing me up through every mode of communication. Of course this was bloating my ego. I had this sucker in the bag before date one. Line them up and pick them out!


The anticipation mounted as we discussed our first date. He made it clear he didn’t want to engage in a boring, generic dinner. He wanted something fun and out of the box. Another plus for him. I certainly wasn’t smitten, but I was honestly looking forward to a fun date with a decent guy. Lord knows I’ve had my handful of unfortunate encounters with dipshits. I thought this would be a fun little treat.


We decided we’d channel our Saved by The Bell days and try out a “murder mystery dinner date” downtown. He emailed me the Web site to check out, selected the specific date and purchased the tickets. Only a few more days of waiting and we’d be on our first date, trading one-liners, cracking each other up.


Anticipating this knee-slapping hell of a time, I splurged and purchased a new form-fitting dress. Classy with a slightly sensual undertone. The perfect formula for a first date with a new fella. Leave something to the imagination, but offer up a little bit to gawk at.


Date day had arrived. I rushed around all day, making sure I completed all my errands and had ample prep time for the date. My best gal pal laid on my bed, tummy down with her pink-painted toes in the air. She watched me as I carefully crafted delicate curls into my hair. I felt like I was her big sister, getting ready to go out with the high school dreamboat. We were gabbing away like girls do, playing out scenarios for the date night. “What if he tries to kiss you on the first date?” “Text me if he’s horrible and you need a fake emergency.” You know…all the mandatory pre-date chitchat between girls.


As I’m nearing the finishing touches, I look down at my cell phone. Our date time is an hour away and there were no missed calls or texts from this charmer. My friend and I of course do the frantic girly thing and she called my phone to make sure it’s working. Of course it is. We look on Facebook to see if he’s posted recently. Yep he posted four hours prior, so he’s at least taken a breath for the day. What the hell? Where is he? I start getting a little paranoid. I exclaimed, “If this f*cker plans to stand me up, he’s the biggest ass ever.” I go into a rant about how I didn’t even know he existed, he completely solicited this date, pursuing me like a maniac. My bestie stood there nodding her head, acting as my little cheerleader. Ramping up my spirits, she kept reassuring me there has to be some explanation. Yeah the explanation is he sucks. We decided I should call (20 minutes prior to the date) and see what the hell is up.


I called and of course got his voice mail. I mustered up every lick of polite sweetness I could and stated I wanted to double check on the time he was picking me up. Yeah right; I already knew the jig was up.


For the first time, I got stood up. Fuming, I exclaimed “I want pizza!” After starving myself for several days in preparation for the date, I wanted to bury my anger in carbs. As all good friends do, my bestie grabbed her keys and drove my “stood up butt” to Whole Foods. Of course I am still glammed up in my date outfit. The goofy, slightly awkward gent at the pizza counter comments on my hair, saying I looked like a 1970’s pin-up girl. Oh don’t get me started poor little dough boy. Here comes a  stood-up bitch and she’s pissed!


As my pizza box is nestled in my hands, getting colder by the minute, I pour out every detail of the last hour. Surprisingly, he didn’t look at me like a pathetic little human. His eyes showed compassion and disbelief. He offered up kind apologies on behalf of the male species. As I thanked him for the slice and heart-felt words, he said, “This guy is an idiot and it’s completely his loss.” On that note, I requested another slice of pizza and shot him a gracious smile.


After I inhaled the yummy sustenance, I sat there feeling even worse about myself. Not only was I stood up, but now I felt like a fat ass. Whatever, I knew my rear would be pounding the heck out of the gym the next morning. I also assumed the next morning I’d receive some lame-ass excuse from Dr. Crack Me. Nope. Silence and mystery. He promised me a mystery dinner date, and the mystery was still unsolved. Guess this jackass came through on his promise. I’ll give him that.


A week later when the case of the unsolved mystery was filed away, he “liked” my profile picture on Facebook. What kind of nonsensical bullshit is that? No explanation of why he stood me up. Just one little lame click of a mouse. Was that the olive branch he was extending to me? I do not accept. Snap that branch in half.


Moving forward, it is important to never let my ego bloat due to a little male attention. He can talk and talk about a fun date, but he could also be a shady twerp who stands you up for no reason. Instead of feeling bad about myself and looking for a reason as to why I was stood up, I’m never going to really know the truth. I can speculate, wonder and be pissed. Bottom line: I was stood up. Just another little peen on my path to finding the man who will never leave me with an unsolved mystery.

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