It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
You and your colleague will play another wonderful round of “Tapeworm or Toilet Paper” while cleaning the homeless shelter’s toilets.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
This month your wife will get a new best friend… your ex-wife.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
You soon will discover that if you heckle a mime in public it’s a real possibility that he’ll kick your ass.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
You’re so desperate and lonely that you’ll end up jacking it to Siri’s voice.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
You’ll wake up to find someone painted “Fuck You Harry” on your car. Harry’s your neighbor.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Your blind date will respond to you by saying “retweet” or “favorite” when she thinks something is relatable.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your fear of public speaking won’t help when that mob of angry neighbors shows up at your door.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
You had no idea that the Blitz had a list of DFW’s Most Average Bachelors, but you’re still disappointed that you didn’t make the cut.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
Is it weird that your boss asked you to go hunting with him later this month?
Leo: July 23-August 22
You will find out who your true friends are when you take the necessary steps to find who left you in their will.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
You’ll come home from work to find your drunk roommate trying to teach your three baby parakeets to perch on his dick.
Libra: September 23-October 22
The stars recommend you better live it up since you made that pledge about crossing your heart and hoping to die.