Horrorscopes: July 2015

One of favorite spots for catering our office lunch parties. Photo Courtesy: David M. Goehring
One of our favorite spots for catering our office lunches. Photo Courtesy: David M. Goehring

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Cancer: June 22-July 22
Enquiring minds want to know: At your birthday party, who’s going to blow out your candle at Tallywackers?

Leo: July 23-August 22
You’ll never forget the first time you were arrested, since the judge brings it up all the time.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
Since your new neighbors moved in upstairs, you’re actually starting to miss that former mellow heroin addict.

Libra: September 23-October 22
Just keep telling yourself that the first beer each night is for its health benefits. The others are for your witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your father will finally achieve that long-held goal of his when he legally disowns you.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Your ex-girlfriend will claim she didn’t technically cheat on you, because she set her Facebook relationship to “single” before screwing your best friend.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
You’ll have a tough time explaining to your kids that Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because it’s hard to have fun when you might shit your pants.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Your drinking allows you to lower your guard and be the person you’ve always wanted to be: a complete fucking asshole.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible to get your day started without three cans of an energy drink.

Aries: March 21-April 19
When your girl wants you to grill up some tofu burgers just follow these easy steps: Step 1: Throw it in the trash. Step 2: Grill some meat.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
After standing in front of the bathroom mirror, you’ll come face to face with your worst fears.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
You’ve been fine with casual Fridays from the get-go, but it’s cocksock Tuesdays that are getting to you.