Horrorscopes: August 2014

Sometimes in life you're the car, sometimes you're the frog. Photo Courtesy: Jessica Lucia
Sometimes in life you’re the car, sometimes you’re the frog. Photo Courtesy: Jessica Lucia

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Leo: July 23 – August 22
For your birthday your next door neighbors will give you some rope and a stool.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You’ll overhear your mom talking to her friend referencing you as an example of how it’s sometimes best to swallow.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
Life will repeat itself when you are hit by a car while walking to the hospital to visit your spouse who also was hit by a car.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
After coming home one night, you’ll discover that your house was broken into. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in your toilet and didn’t flush.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Shortly after grabbing your coffee at Starbucks you realize that you are now a complete asshole.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
You’re in for a bit of a surprise when your new roommate not only makes casual conversations about bowel movements, but names them too.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
The family BBQ that you planned will go awry when one of your cousins suggests putting his meat on your grill.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You will begin to wonder why you have accrued so many frequent flyer miles after one of your kids posts a photo of your credit card on Facebook.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Chances are that if you play your cards right and show up to work with a “can-do” attitude, you’ll keep your minimum wage job.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Your dream of finally uniting your family for one cause will finally come to fruition at your funeral.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Much to your surprise the dog days of summer will leave you just as depressed as you were before.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Forces beyond your control will steer you towards the girl alone at the bar. The forces are called “beer goggles”.