Full-Court Press

By Cote Bailey 

Finally! Some great men – dare I say saints – have put together the perfect union of barely there swimwear and basketball. Oh happy day! The Bikini Basketball League is coming. And by coming I mean right now (as of print time we are 31 days, 14 hours, and 10 minutes until liftoff). I view as my civic duty to give you all the information that you need to know about what is soon to be my favorite sport.


The Teams: As of now the BBA has seven teams ready to go: Atlanta Fleet Angels, Miami Spice, New York Knockouts, Hollywood Hotties, Orlando Lady Cats, Los Angeles Lady Cats, and the Chicago Desire. Besides the fact that they seem like they were all named by your creepy uncle, who may or may not be registered with the state, it’s a good start. Plus I hear that all the arenas are equipped with super-cooled air-conditioning systems.


The Talent: According to their website, the BBA is “for sexy athletic ladies from around the world.” When I read this line I couldn’t help but think, “please recruit Brazilians, please recruit Brazilians, dear God let them recruit Brazilians.” It’s safe to say with having seen some of the promo shots and knowing the type of talent the Lingerie Football League receives that these ladies will be insanely sexy. Let’s just hope the commissioner finds girls that are more Gisele Bundchen and less Charles Barkley – not that Mr. Barkley wasn’t a fine basketball player, but I believe we could all do without having to gouge out our own eyeballs.


The Flack: Far be it from me not to recognize that there are two sides to every coin. For every yin there’s a yang, and for every Jedi there’s a Sith. So, naturally there will be those who will condemn fans and participants alike for engaging in what is viewed as activity that is misogynistic, debasing or counter productive to say the least. But I say to those naysayers, do we not live in a country of freedom, a country where little boys and girls can grow up and be whoever they want? Did our forefathers not perish that we may live in a land free of the oppression of ideas and to be clothed by the warm, sweet embrace of Lady Liberty (insert backdrop of fireworks, American flag, and Abraham Lincoln)? Then I say to you boycotters, bloggers, and Nancy Grace that George Washington crossed the Delaware so that Bikini Basketball could live!


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