The Journals Of Justin Bieber

JournalJustinBieberBy Peter Gerstenzang

I hate to break it to you, but it looks as if pop singer, Justin Bieber, is going to be around for a while. It’s a tough thing to say. But no worse than announcing chlamydia is on the rise, or The Space Shuttle just exploded. With this in mind, I started to think. What if Bieber kept a journal about his trip from annoying pop star to annoying heritage artist? Detailing his attempts to be taken seriously? At least, how to keep people guessing about his next hairstyle. Okay, so he’d probably have to do these entries in pictograms. Regardless, I give you The Journals Of Justin Bieber.

May 22nd 2013: I think it’d be cool to do a ‘remix’ of my song, “Boyfriend”. First, I gotta find out what a ‘mix’ is. Then, I’m so gonna do this.

October 13th 2013: My manager thinks I need to do something shocking. I thought he meant not smiling all the time. He means doing a bleak album. Like Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska. Where guys lose their jobs, take drugs and kill people. I don’t think this ever happens, but it’s a totally rad idea. I’ll start by writing a tune where a hot guy decides to cut his hair. Then thinks about buying a gun. But decides against it and goes clubbing instead.

May 15th 2014: My album of Standards flops. Why? I picked great players and producers. Was it the string arrangements by Honey Boo Boo? Mom told me she was too avant-garde.

September 5th, 2014: My manager thinks my image is still too squeaky-clean. I have slept with lots of girls. Couldn’t one of them publicly state she’s taking one of those maternity tests? No one goes for it. I tell my manager I’ll get a new hairstyle, like, every day. Then, go to rehab for this. Say that I’m in there for cutting. A wicked long silence follows.

December 10th 2014: I don’t want to go to jail, but it would so help my street cred. First, must ask Lindsay how she gets those three-month sentences and then only serves 45 minutes. Also, ask the guards if they have, like, a jail store, where you can buy those orange jumpsuits. They’re so bitchin’!

February 6th 2015: Sales are down, so I meet with T-Bone Burnette. We both decide I should do a ‘roots’ album. Until I tell T-Bone my ‘roots’ are Color Me Badd and New Kids On The Block. Another wicked long silence ensues.

June 2nd 2015: To make my stuff darker, I try writing songs with Lou Reed. At one point, I say to Lou, “So, you did ‘Heroin’?” He smacks me in the head. I think there’s some confusion, cause I mean the song. Maybe he smacks me for other reasons entirely.

April 6th 2018: Now hosting The Tonight Show. I duet with Bob Dylan on “Like A Rolling Stone”. It’s pretty good. Afterwards, I tell Bob it would’ve been much better if he’d smiled during it. Then, he smacks me right in the head. He’s such an old mummy, I think some dust comes off.

March 20th 2020: Huge day for me. Going back to my old hairstyle. I’ve tried everything else. And getting 3 million fans back is more wicked hard than I thought. So, I had my stylist do that swirly, Beatles haircut I started out with. The stylist did call it another name, though, which confused me. He called it a “combover.” I don’t know what that is. But I bet it’s super cool.