The Answer Guy: December 4th 2012

Dear Arthur, 

How do I tell my girlfriend that I hate her dog? Now don’t get me wrong I don’t hate all dogs, just hers. “Sir Barkslot” is constantly yapping and jumping on everything and I have to address him as though he is a real person. He even sleeps between us at night. Is it wrong that I want to smother it with a pillow at night and claim it was an accident? Seriously though, I want to tell her that it’s Barksalot or me but I think he would win. 

Life Lesson time! Telling someone you hate their dog is like telling them that you hate their bastard kid. It never ends in your favor.  Let me tell you a story. I was once in a similar situation where I met this girl, fell in lust, and then went home to meet her pets. She had two dogs, and a cat; all inside of a one bedroom apartment. The smells alone were the talk of the town!

I spent one night over there and in between stepping over left over dog butt biscuits and wondering if the cat piss triggered some strange latent mutant allergies within me…I WAS TOTALLY GROSSED OUT! The final nail in the coffin was when we were laying in the bed naked, one of the dogs jumped in the bed with us!  I jumped up half-erect and now pissed off. To add insult to injury the frigging dog ran off with my condom. True story! Ok…the condom was lost under the sheets, but that could have happened too.

My advice to you my friend is to try talking to her about your concerns like the dog sleeping in the bed. If she’s unwilling to make some compromises, than its best to end it!


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