By Ethan Harmon
Well, I was going to get my butler to write this speech for me, but I outsourced his job last week, so I guess I’m on my own on this one. Look, we all know that I’m the right man for the job. I keep hearing that I’m part of the 1% and that I can’t relate to average-everyday Americans. This isn’t the case. I put on my shoes and drive my Aston Martin to work just like everyone else. See? Totally average American.
I have big plans for this country. The first of which is, well, to make a big plan. After I do that, I’m going to tackle the big issues. “What big issues?” you say. First, I’m going to take care of the economy. Obama keeps promising that the economy is slowly recovering and that over time more jobs will be available. Well, that’s nice Mr. President, but we want the country to be better, now! He had his four years to fix the economy. He failed! When I become president, I’m putting into motion a way to get us back on our feet in eight to ten years. Why eight? Because I’ll be re-elected, of course. How does that sound? Pretty good, huh?
Taxes are becoming a huge problem for the American public. Middle class families – you know, the ones making between $100,000 to $250,000 a year – are paying high taxes. That’s unfair to these average income earners. It’s even worse for the poor – those making under $100,000 a year. And the rich are being taxed like crazy! I mean, how are they going to spend their money if they are paying high taxes? Paul Ryan and I have a solution for that. We are going to cut taxes by 20% across the board. You heard that right. Everyone gets a 20% cut. Guess what? It will completely balance the budget. How? Well, I would tell you, but there is a lot of math involved (a lot!) and it gets really complicated. Trust me; you don’t want to know the details. It’s boring stuff. And who wants to hear about math anyway? No one likes math.
Speaking of math, I came up with a great idea during my last debate with the president. I said that I would add $100 billion to the Pentagon budget to strengthen our armed forces, which would increase troops and warships. The president said, “We have less ships, but we also have less bayonets and horses.” I know that! In order to fight terror, and to balance the budget, we need to give more money to the armed forces.
Now let’s talk about the smaller stuff. I’d like to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. I want to increase security for our boarders. I’m talking huge fence. I’d like to lessen control of our educational systems and let the states have the right to do as they wish (like what Wisconsin did). As for marriage, let’s keep it man and woman. Oh, and let’s get rid of this Obamacare garbage. It’s confusing and everyone hates it. Also, it’s named after Obama. That title is a little pretentious, don’t you think?
Look, we all know I’m going to win this thing by a landslide. I’m the best fit for the position, and I will say whatever I need to so that you believe me. This is Thunderdome: two men enter and only one leaves. I’ll be the one that leaves victorious, flashing my fantastic smile and sporting my magic underwear. Say NObama and vote Romney!