Horrorscopes: January 2015

This button says it all! Photo Courtesy: © michelhrv / Flickr
This button says it all! Photo Courtesy: © michelhrv / Flickr

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Happy birthday asshole! You’ll soon get friendzoned by three different women. Each one will suggest you ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned you.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Imagine the look on your face when your boss sends you a link on how to write a good resignation later.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
You soon will find out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you ever can witness is two morbidly-obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club’s run-down, public restroom.

Aries: March 21-April 19
This month you’ll get a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your generosity finally pays off this week when your $100 gift card inspires your waitress to have sex with you.

Gemini: May 21-June 21
You’ll start drinking heavily after sitting on the bus for three hours stuck in traffic trying to ignore the old lady sitting next to you who was discreetly masturbating.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
You’ll soon get to know downtown Dallas a lot better when you lose your job, get kicked out of your apartment and roam the streets looking for food and shelter.

Leo: July 23-August 22
Once again nothing much is going to happen to you but the stars thank you for checking in.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
You know times are tough when you’re selling your girlfriend’s panties on Craigslist.

Libra: September 23-October 22
The world will be amazed when some idiot introduces your grandmother to yoga pants.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Your girlfriend found out you secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That’s until tomorrow, when she’ll get on your Facebook account and publicly share every porn page you visit.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
The stars discreetly suggest that you never ask your woman how she got so good at giving blow jobs.