Horrorscopes: February 2014

How fitting...now check out how your month pans out.
How fitting…now check out how your month pans out.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
While going through your wallet you’ll find an unused condom that’s past its expiration date. What’s worse is the telltale ring that’s worn in.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20
After taking a nap in your car after work you’ll be woken up by a hobo sitting in the passenger seat asking for money.

Aries – March 21 – April 19
While enjoying your sixth beer with your dad, he’ll look you in the eye and say, “I’ll never forgive you for what you did to your mother’s vagina.”

Taurus – April 20 – May 20
Your boss will hang a new dartboard on the wall in his office with your employee picture taped to it.

Gemini – May 21 – June 21
You will soon realize that you have unknowingly supported your girlfriend’s problem with alcohol for years since the only time she says “I love you” is when she is blind drunk.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22
You’ll be in for a big surprise when you introduce your girlfriend to your parents and they pretend to be nudists.

Leo – July 23 – August 22
Your claim to fame will be the fact that you gave that guy a blow job before he got famous. Sadly no one will believe you.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22
The stars foresee your girlfriend sending you a link to a Vine video in which she dumps you.

Libra – September 23 – October 22
So you lost a bet to your grandma, now you’ll have to take her with you on your next date.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
Your wife will proudly inform you that of all of your friends you still have the biggest cock.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
It’s true: love can be a mystery, but those semen stains on the back of your shirt are a clue.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
While enjoying your third homemade brownie at your best friend’s house his wife will mention that they were made with breast milk.