Horrorscopes: December 2014

And you thought you were having a bad day... Photo Courtesy: Melisa D.
And you thought you were having a bad day… Photo Courtesy: Melisa D.

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
The girl you end up taking out on a date will politely thank you for paying for dinner and inform you that she is indeed married.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
How does it feel to get fat burner pills for Christmas?

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
After watching The Walking Dead while in bed, you’ll hear a noise in the kitchen. You’ll tell yourself that you’re just imagining things. The next morning you’ll find out you’ve actually been robbed.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
At your family Christmas dinner your mom will let you know that your dad’s pull out game is weak.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Relax. It’s OK to receive more calls from people who’ve dialed the wrong number than people you know.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
You’ll soon find out that one of your girlfriend’s Google searches was “should I admit to cheating or just dump him?”

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Your sweet tooth will go to a whole new level when you start taking swigs of maple syrup.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Your girl will pretend to be reading Braille while touching your chest acne.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
You’ll walk into your bathroom only to find your dad passed out with his pants around his ankles.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
It might be true that God created you in His likeness. It also might be true that He was feeling crappy that day.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
Your financial situation will take a turn for the worse when you discover that there isn’t any loose change between the sofa cushions.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Your colonoscopy will certainly tell you what you’re made of.