Today’s Top Musical Albums a Mixed Bag

Go ahead and check out these songs and let us know what you think...we dare you!
Go ahead and check out these songs and let us know what you think…we dare you!

By Peter Gerstenzang

It’s a pretty well-known fact that I don’t keep up with most modern trends. In fact, it’s only in the last year I stopped calling radio, “the wireless.” But, in any case, I thought it would be fun to look at the current Billboard Charts and see what’s popular. A pretty bold move for a guy who’s completely out of Dramamine.

Turns out it was pretty educational. For instance, they now have categories for albums that were bought, downloaded and stolen by hackers. In any case, here are the current five most popular records.

#5- Avril Lavigne – Avril Lavigne
This is a world where you’re usually a pop princess for a few months. Followed by a multitude of horrors, including drug arrests, rehab, and, when you’ve hit bottom, a role in a Brett Ratner movie. So Avril has really stuck around. But I can say the same thing about that suspicious-looking sore on my tongue. The songs are catchy. But her next single has been co-written by Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger. Who may not have killed Jesus. But was definitely seen loitering around Calvary that day. So, listeners, proceed at your own peril.

#4- Prism – Katy Perry
I’m a genuine Katy Perry fan. And be glad I typed that. It means you can’t see the drool on my chin. I haven’t heard the new album, but the reviews haven’t been kind. I’ve written Katy, offering to comfort and hug her. Yesterday, I received a response and was very excited. But it turns out, an Order of Protection is not as good as it sounds at first. The fact that I must stay at least 100 yards away from her? Hey, I can live with that.

#3- Duck The Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas – The Robertson Family
I know you didn’t like seeing that. Hey, I didn’t like writing it. I can’t begin to think of the countless albums I would buy before purchasing this one. But one of them is Josh Groban Goes Grunge. And the other is by a singer-songwriter who’s a member of The Aryan Nation. Okay?

#2- Loved Me Back To Life – Celine Dion
I assume the title refers to Celine’s fans saving her. They saw her lifeless body just laying somewhere? And couldn’t just keep on walking? You guys better hope there’s no afterlife.

#1- The Marshall Mathers LP 2 – Eminem
Although I’m an Em fan, I’m usually distrustful of sequels. And after his last few discs, this could’ve gone either way. It might’ve been the follow-up to The Godfather. It also could’ve been Caddyshack 2. Luckily, we got the former. It’s classic Eminem. Plenty of bile, funky tracks, and that fast, funny delivery. Of course, the sample credits are hilarious. More people were involved with the making of this record than who built the pyramids. But Chad Kroeger is nowhere in sight. Right there? Reason enough to buy the album.