The Journals of Justin Bieber Part II

So this is how it all started for Justin Bieber!
So this is how it all started for Justin Bieber!

By Peter Gerstenzang

As you might remember, a year ago we were lucky enough to publish an excerpt from the journals of pop singer Justin Bieber. People expecting it to read like C.S. Lewis were slightly disappointed. Mostly because the writing was more reminiscent of Jerry Lewis. Well, we’ve found another extract from this Canadian singer (and newly elected President of Mensa). We hope you like it.

Dec. 30, 2013: Kind of a weird night. I just finished opening up for Pearl Jam. I kind of blew it. By “opening up,” I thought they meant letting in the fans, turning on the lights and showing people to their seats. Then I went home. By the time I finally got back to the arena, the show was over. My manager was so bugged! He sent me back to the arena. Which is when I learned about “closing down.” Man, there were a lot of chairs to fold up and put away!

Jan. 9, 2014: Got busted tonight for egging my neighbor’s house. He so deserved it after saying that someday I’d make a good “Thespian.” I said, “Fuck you, I’m not gay, dude!” The egging took about four hours. Note to self: do not hard boil them first. It freakin’ takes forever. And it doesn’t make much of a mess.

Feb. 1, 2014: After I got busted for DUI, 270,000 people petitioned to have me deported. I didn’t know what it meant, but it sounded freakin’ scary. So before they could do it, I just left the U.S. and went back to Canada.

July 9, 2014: I had to pay a fine for the house egging. Plus an extra 15 percent for doing it wrong. When it was all done, I decided to move to Beverly Hills permanently. But I couldn’t find it. Apparently, when they heard I was moving there, Beverly Hills actually moved. Man, I still can’t find it.

Jan. 15, 2015: In between arrests, fines and community service, I made some records. I don’t remember what they were called. But, it’s cool. I bet you don’t either.

Jan. 30, 2015: Today I found out I am going to be the new “face” and “body” of Calvin Klein. This is bitchin, but there’s one problem. If I’m Calvin’s face and body, what are they going to do with his face and body? They can’t just throw that shit out, yo. Maybe they can give it to some poor needy kid who can’t afford a face or a body. That would be rad.

March 11, 2015: I just made it clear that I believe in God and “He’s the reason I’m here.” I then got hit with a lot of tweets that said, “You’re the reason I’m an atheist.” I have a feeling once I look that word up, I’m not going to like it.

Sept. 8, 2015: Got word that my single, “What Do You Mean?” debuted at No. 1 on Billboard. I didn’t write the song, but I came up with the title. Because it’s a question I ask about almost everything. Including the guy who came up to me yesterday and asked if I would ever consider self-deportation. It sounds cool. He seemed like a nice guy. And when I have an answer, I plan to give it to him.