Judging from the e-mails I’ve received regarding this column, it’s come to my attention that some readers find my outlook excessively sarcastic, lowbrow and just plain mean. And that’s the fan mail! I can’t reveal much regarding the negative suggestions. Except to say, I like gerbils, just not in that way. Regardless, I’ve decided this piece will concentrate on the positive things happening in rock. It’s taken me much of the decade, but I’ve found a few. Although I hear Creed is recording a new album. Which should set the record industry hurtling back to the Han Dynasty. Still, here’s the nice stuff.
1. No rumors there will be a Hootie and the Blowfish reunion. And you thought there were no concrete reasons why the Dow was so high.
2. Nashville Outlaws: A Tribute To Motley Crue: Yes, this does sound like the worst Pu Pu platter since Pat Boone sang Heavy Metal. But there’s a bright side here. This album is like having your appendix out or getting a prefrontal lobotomy. It can only happen once.
3. Pearl Jam is re-releasing its entire catalog. With one major change. The group is going to turn the tapes around. Meaning Eddie Vedder won’t be singing backwards anymore. Unfortunately, his lyrics are worse when understood.
4. Lindsay Lohan is so busy not making movies that she’s also not making records.
5. Congress lately has vetoed virtually everything. However, without even considering it, that also includes drum solos. It’s now illegal to perform one.
6. Kid Rock just became a grandfather. Retirement is close behind.
7. Kanye West hasn’t done anything obnoxious in months. I’ve changed my mind. Babies are wonderful.
8. Courtney Love says she blew $27 million bucks in the last few years. The good news is, she’s giving household budget tips to Iggy Azalea. That’ll fix her.
9. The Stones will be touring again soon. But tickets will be affordable. That’s what happens when you’re sponsored by Metamucil.
10. Madonna is no longer playing guitar onstage. Hey, if you think it’s easy to lip and strum-sync at the same time, you try it.
11. To thank those Outlaws for doing their songs, Motley Crue is going out soon and playing nothing but country songs. But all shows are down South. Expect the entire band to be shot to death during the first number.
12. Bruce Springsteen will be singing like a regular Jersey guy on his next record. Explanation? He’s completely sworn off watching Yosemite Sam cartoons.
13. Don’t ask me how, but I’ve gotten possession of Michael Jackson’s nose. Ebay, I’ll take that in stock thank you.
14. Due to an executive action by President Obama, there will be no more, That’s What I Call Music albums. Wait, Congress vetoed it. Mitch McConnell and 17 others have just been indicted. There’s just so much Americans can take.