Horrorscopes: July 2014

The one place you park your truck and this happens... Photo Courtesy: Hal DeVaney
The one place you park your truck and this happens… Photo Courtesy: Hal DeVaney

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
In the spirit of the World Cup and playing soccer with some buddies you’ll soon learn the meaning of cup check.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
Your daughter will soon let you know that she likes her “other daddy” more than you.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
While walking into the bathroom at McDonald’s you’ll see a man holding his dick up to the hand dryer. It won’t be an image you’ll soon forget.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
You’ll decide to go on a diet after discovering that you can make fart sounds with your neck.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Telling women that you enjoy the “warm, rich aromas of fecal matter” isn’t the best ice breaker.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You’ll learn that your parents are first cousins.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
While at the airport, security will ask you to lift your fat rolls so that you can be properly patted down.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Thanks to your phone’s shitty predictive text combined with you being half asleep, you’ll offer your buddy “oral support” if he ever needs it.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You have reached a point in your life where Target is now considered the expensive store.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Your fiancée will inform you that she wants an open marriage and doesn’t equate sex with love. Your friends will be very happy.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
By this time next year you’ll be 10x richer, living in a mansion and just as gullible.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
You always felt you would be a great father, however three other DFW women expecting child support payments disagree.