Horrorscopes: January 2014

No truer words have been written. Photo Courtesy:  Matrixizationized
No truer words have been written. Photo Courtesy: Matrixizationized

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
You will quickly learn that no matter how nerdy a girl may seem she will kick you out of bed as soon as you start speaking Klingon during sex.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
This month you will discover that your dad is actually your uncle and vice-versa.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Sucks to be you since your girlfriend will send her new boyfriend to your place to break up.

Aries – March 21 – April 19
Your literary career will stall as you fail to impress the publisher with your first draft of A Brief History of Ass in which you reminisce about your anal sex adventures.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20
How dare they accuse you of shoplifting due to your jacket being “too chunky.” You’re not a thief, you’re a fat ass!

Gemini – May 21 – June 21
Your girlfriend will inform you that the thing she loves the most about you is how similar you look like her cousin.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22
Congrats! You now have a Sex Rewards Chart based on the amount of favors and chores you do around the house.

Leo – July 23 – August 22
Thoughts of faking your own death will creep in just so you can get away from your girlfriend and her insane family.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22
Since you and three other people at your office share the same first name, you’ll be known as “the ugly one.”

Libra – September 23 – October 22
You will receive the following email: I have a very lucrative deal to transact with you please contact me urgent for more information through my private email if you are interested. General Abdul Aziz Jassem al-Shallal.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
You will have nightmares in which you are haunted by the ghost of your foreskin.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
One of your friends will hijack your Facebook account and post stories about how you’ve finally come out of the closet.