Horrorscopes: December 2015

You know if you end up here then your luck has run out. Photo Courtesy: Todd Lappin
You know if you end up here then your luck has run out. Photo Courtesy: Todd Lappin

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Season’s greetings! Your new biopic will warm the hearts of many with several laughs, especially the hilarious ending.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Your performance in the bedroom is comparable to Dragon Ball Z. While that should be an  accomplishment for you it means lots of screaming and shouting that ultimately leads to nothing.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Keep asking yourself why you can’t find a “Nice Girl,” the signs are obvious to everyone else.

Pisces: February 19-March 20
It’s cool that everyone is nice to you but just remember it’s only because of the strong Columbine vibes you give off daily.

Aries: March 21-April 19
Your sex tape would look a lot like the movie Castaway, but instead of a volleyball, it would be a cantaloupe you’ve had in a slow cooker.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
People don’t like you and it’s nothing in particular, you just have one of those faces. Not bitch face, just a face that makes people go “Fuck that guy.”

Gemini: May 21-June 21
Don’t worry, your dad making you wear a dress and sit on all your uncles’ laps every poker night as a kid is perfectly normal. Like in Alabama and stuff.

Cancer: June 22-July 22
Your Facebook posts about how happy you are not having kids aren’t fooling anyone, we all see how salty you are and that no one wants to procreate with you.

Leo: July 23-August 22
“All life is precious” was said before you were born. Keep telling yourself it’s just a coincidence that it has lost its meaning since you arrived on this planet.

Virgo: August 23-September 22
One of your best skills is dodging, but only when it’s knowledge being dropped.

Libra: September 23-October 22
Only you can make Atheists and Christians come to an agreement, but it’s on how shitty of a person you truly are.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Next week’s experiment with autoerotic asphyxiation will teach you a lesson that it is indeed possible to take things too far.