Horrorscopes: April 2014

These pennants should look nice in your room! Photo Courtesy: Cary Leibowitz
These pennants should look nice in your room! Photo Courtesy: Cary Leibowitz

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these might actually happen to you which sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Aries: March 21 – April 19
You will soon realize how sad your life really is when you decide to celebrate by going to a strip club by yourself.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Fed up with your nerdy appearance you will shave your head to get the Walter White look. You will soon be compared to a freshly circumcised penis.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
While waiting at a red light, some random drunk guy will limp in front of your car, unsheathe his manhood and piss all over your windshield.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Soon you will learn that no matter how badly you want Nutella, it’s never a good idea to deep throat a knife.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
Your store manager an attempt to improve employee morale will start talking in hashtags.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
At a family get together your mom will let everyone know about how you were conceived in a Disney Land toilet.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
While suffering with satanic gastric distress you will amaze your co-workers by farting the intro to “Smoke on the Water.”

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Newsflash: Saving the condom from the first time you had sex isn’t a good idea.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
While doing some spring cleaning at your girlfriend’s house you will find a jar containing her collection of toenail clippings.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Your new roommate will ask you about your policy on hookers as your doorbell rings.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Thanks to Axe shampoo, body wash and deodorant a girl will finally notice you. That girl is grandma.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
After going down on the girl of your dreams she’ll let you know that she can’t cheat on her boyfriend.