12 Lessons Ron Burgundy Learned From His Father…as Told to Cote Bailey

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

By Cote Bailey

On career
Just love scotch and the companionship of small dogs. Do those two things and the news will do itself.

On selflessness
I once saw my father get the wrong order from China Palace…he ate it anyway. He despises spring rolls. The man was a saint. Once a month I hug a hobo so they can smell like success for a moment. It’s not tax deductible, but it’s worth it.

On the meaning of life
There are two things that matter in this life and one of them is both of them. They both may or may not be naked fly-fishing.

On Style
He looked me right in the eye and said, “Son, craft a good mustache, an honest mustache, and women will take you home and have hot filthy sex with you.” A copious amount of chest hair is a sign to any mate that you can forage and provide.

On self-esteem
Even if all the Roman gods had engaged in sweet love making with the entire Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue of 1964, a more spectacular spawn could not have been created.

On relationships
Never date a woman who uses a shampoo you don’t approve of – it shows poor critical thinking. If a smelly pirate can get a hooker son, so can you.

On getting older
Bathe with a dozen puppies. It steals their youth and gives it to you. How else do you think I keep the exuberant glow of a majestic lion?

On conflict resolution
When in combat with an enemy, latch unmercifully onto their testicles until they declare you the victor. That’s how wars are won. There are times in life where you have to be the better man and there are times when you gotta have a good old fashioned blindfolded broken bottle fight to the death.