Horrorscopes: May 2014

Didn't see this Horrorscope coming did you? Photo Courtesy: Arturo Sotillo
Didn’t see this Horrorscope coming did you? Photo Courtesy: Arturo Sotillo

It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these might actually happen to you which sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
The only person who will wish you a “Happy Birthday” is the cop who pulled you over for speeding.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Thirty minutes after finishing what you thought was an awesome date with a great girl you’ll receive a text that reads: Yeah, uh, never come near me again.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
The only female on the planet who actually shows any sexual interest in you is your 70-year-old neighbor.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
The highlight of your month will be learning how to drain your dog’s anal glands.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Due to boredom and a faulty hair dryer you will end up with singed pubes and burnt balls.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
You will soon learn that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from a broken vending machine than help the person stuck underneath it get free.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Things will go from bad to worse when you see your cat take a shit in your toaster.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You will come home to find all your porn rags have been censored with a black sharpie.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
While having sex with the woman of your dreams she’ll fall asleep on top of you halfway through.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your girlfriend will mention that your cock reminds her of an Ewok from Star Wars. Short, stubby and fuzzy…

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You’ll soon discover that it’s a bad idea to keep your dog in the car while taking it through the car wash. Enjoy as Fido freaks out and pisses on everything. Including you.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Your Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend will name your penis Tyrion Lannister.