Horrorscopes: August

What a way to start off the month of August! Photo Courtesy: Alessandro Bonvini
What a way to start off the month of August! Photo Courtesy: Alessandro Bonvini

August has lots in store for you, but first you should really check out the trailer for the upcoming film Bad Grandpa.

Leo – July 23 – August 22
Forget your birthday plans. Your wife will bail on your romantic dinner that she arranged in order to be with her friends for an amateur “fight club” in an abandoned Deep Ellum warehouse.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22
Your dentist will drop dead of a heart attack. To make things even worse is the fact that his hands will be in your mouth when it happens.

Libra – September 23 – October 22
For the first time ever, you will break up a fight between two female residents at the retirement home you work at.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
After more than six years of working your ass off, you’ll finally summon up the courage to ask your boss for a raise. She’ll reply with “I’m gonna need you to eat a dick” and stare at you until you leave her office.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
This month one of your cats will give birth. Your other cat will respond by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, get  indigestion and vomit. You’ll be the one cleaning up regurgitated kittens.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
You’ll end up going to the grocery store with your wife only to discover that her ex-husband works there. Later that night you’ll find out that she never divorced him.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
After having your morning cup of coffee at the office you’ll find out your co-worker has been pissing in the coffee pot.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Your girlfriend will let you know that she almost left you for another man who is more handsome and talented. The  reason she didn’t leave: He’s out of her league and you’re not.

Aries – March 21 – April 19
Your mom will get drunk and punch you in the nose. Then she’ll yell at you for bleeding all over the carpet.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20
While eating a corny dog for lunch your co-workers will ask you to “take it deeper”…

Gemini – May 21 – June 21
After being turned down for yet another job, your dad will mention that the porn industry is always stable and looking for new talent.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22
You’ll soon learn that your girlfriend regularly lets her ex stay over. They even share a bed. She doesn’t see a problem with this. Do you?