The 2011 NFL Season

Tom Brady’s hope of revenge faded faster than the cheetah in the Hyundai commercial. Sure, he may have gotten his ass kicked twice by a guy that looks like Shaggy on Scooby-Doo, but he still gets to go home and um…fornicate the promo queen (or in his case Victoria Secret Angel and highest paid model on Earth Gisele Bündchen) so all-in-all I think it’s a wash.

The 92nd NFL season drew to a close last Sunday night and it will go down in my history book (yes I am writing a history book, so don’t look at me like that) as a year of wrongs. Now before you start cursing and tearing the paper to shreds, not all these wrongs were bad – just wrong.

Exhibit A: The Lockout (March 11- July 25, 2011)
The NFL Players Association and the team owners almost made this season the thing asterisks are made for – you know, other than Barry Bonds records – but managed to resolve their differences all while giving the fans a collective 18 week long heart attack in the process.

Exhibit B: Peyton Manning
If Peyton’s neck could talk it would speak of a tragedy worthy of Shakespearian sonnets. In the same year that the Colts slapped the franchise tag on trusty number 18, Peyton suffered a major setback from neck surgery and his streak of 208 consecutive starts was no more. Peyton’s injury sidelined him for the entire season and relegated him to refereeing in Papa John’s commercials, oh how the mighty have fallen.

Exhibit C: The Year of the Touchback
The powers that be decided that kickoffs should be moved up to the 35-yard line from its previous home at the 30 believing that “minimizing the running starts would reduce the speed of collision.” What it did in actuality was reduce the interestingness of kickoffs due to 2/3 of them winding up in the third row in some fat guy’s nachos.

Exhibit D: The Oakland Raiders
163. That’s the number of the most penalties in a season – ever.

Exhibit E: Aaron Rodgers
MVP? Horse sh!t! Horse sh!t, I say. Too long have I sat back quiet as the Favre-slayer has had his rump kissed by the masses. No more! The evidence is all around you. Drew Brees passing for 5,476 yards in a season (that’s longer than my drive to work for crying out loud), Cam Newton in his first two games alone throwing for 854 yards, Rob Gronkowski – despite missing the Hail Mary catch – piling up 1,327 yards by the way is the most ever for a tight end, Darren Sproles with 2,696 all-purpose yards in one friggin’ season. And lets not even mention the fact that Peyton Manning must be the most valuable player on the friggin’ planet since his team who with him had nine-straight playoff apperances could only win two games without him. But nooooo, Aaron Rodgers is the MVP. Horse sh!t of the Mr. Ed caliber.

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