Kids are Evil

I love kids, especially their precociousness. Instead of asking ‘why?’, they ask ‘why not?’ ‘Why not stick my hand into a moving fan?’ Or ‘Why not see how far my foot can fit into the spokes of a fast-moving bicycle?’ And my favorite – ‘Why not jump into the deep end of a pool even though I don’t know how to swim?’ Well, because, little Cody, you could break your hand/foot, and possibly drown, the sensible adults will say, those who are operating in beta wave brain states, which promotes logic, reason, and decision-making ability.

Children, on the other hand, operate in alpha wave states, which are similar to the brain states of people on strong hallucinogens. This phenomenon may explain that although kids are cute and adventurous in their constant exploration of the world, they are dangerous and possibly evil. The sign that reads, “Caution! Go Slow. Children,” is really there to protect adults. Kids know exactly what they’re doing and they have no concept of cause and effect to stop them from doing it.

Kids are very similar to old people. At first they are so adorable, but if you hang out with them long enough they will turn into little devils. The kid may start sticking marbles deep into his naval cavity or start dragging his little sister across the carpet by her hair. And after ten minutes the octogenarian will be asking for your papers and trying to get you deported.

“But au contraire!” you may protest. “Kids are so adorable and precious! And even when they’re bad they don’t understand what they’re doing.” And that is exactly how they get away with it. For example, a child knows that pushing his grandfather with a bad hip into a blazing fireplace is wrong, but he may do it anyway because A) He can get away with it because adults will think he doesn’t know any better B) His alpha brain state is repeatedly asking against all logic ‘why not?’ and C) He’s just curious and wants to see what will happen.

Kids as evil little red-eyed devils may be difficult and even impossible to accept by adults, but perhaps this is because we are quick to forget what it was like during our childhoods. Well, let me remind you. I know kids are evil because my childhood was without a doubt, the most violent time of my entire life thus far. The constant bullying, the premeditated procurement of weapons of mass destruction in the form of sticks, mud, algae, food items, and whatever else they can get their hands on, for one thing. The playground is so volatile and lacking in basic rules of civilized society that it’s a good thing the little spawns of Satan can’t get ahold of any Uranium and don’t have bomb-making capabilities. If kids ruled the world, World War III would surely ensue and bring us closer to the apocalypse.

On the playground, don’t be deceived by their innocent making of little mudpies. Those are going to be used to take out some unsuspecting little Jimmy on his way to the swings. And when it comes to cookies and candy, kids are cracked out junkies who wouldn’t think twice about taking out a kid’s eye to get their hands on a melted, half-eaten candy bar.

Parents often worry about their kids staying safe, but adults, I must warn you. It’s the other way around. Kids are more dangerous to your health than horseback-riding, skydiving, and running with the bulls, combined. So next time you see some kids make sure you feed the little monsters some candy and then run for your life!

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