Is that an app? Phones and Hormones Don’t Mix

Since the moment our opposable thumbs first allowed the manipulation of rudimentary tools that facilitated increased nutrition and allowed our frontal lobes to grow, man has been enthralled and ever more dependent on technology. Mastery of nature and the increasingly specialized nature of agriculture and society has led us to where we stand now…in a super-connected world wide web of wireless computing power. A bevy of hand-held computing devices powered by thumbs! Each begging to be put to use with an ever expanding suite of applications–Apps–that run the gamut from ruthlessly absurd—Gottago, a preprogrammed call that helps fool your company with a seemingly genuine excuse to get you out of an awkward situation–to the sublimely eloquent (I am sure they are out there but I have yet to find one).

So, the truth of the matter is that I am no expert on the ever-expanding market of apps. However, that does not mean that I can’t speculate on the potential for future app development. In fact, I fly in the face of Apple’s smug advertising campaign that suggests no matter how ridiculous I might wax “there is an app for that” I would counter and say, “Really? Is there an app for that?!”

It is my understanding that among the apps out there, there is one where you can take a picture of any scabby, hairy, asymmetrical mole you can find and send it in for analysis by some sort of credentialed dermatologist. They will then send you some sort of cursory diagnostic and pronounce you melanoma or melanoma free, or possibly a hypochondriac. I would challenge this technology and invite developers to apply the same technological infrastructure to external STDs and under the guise of harmless amateur pornographic pursuits send said genital pics in for quick and reliable analysis and keep you STD free.
But how does one even get that potential STD vector back to the boudoir? Well, is there an app for that?! I propose an Urban Spoon style multivariate pick up line app. You can constrain your app to one or more overall themes: cheesy, smooth, insulting, or generally harmless and good-natured pickup lines. Just set the parameters, shake and voila! The app produces a sure-fire come-on line that will help you pluck your disease ridden lust interest from their precarious bar stool and deliver them to your bedroom.

“Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from Heaven, did it hurt?”

“Ha ha…..You’re so funny. Does it burn when you pee too?”

Well, despite what may come of these risk tolerant behaviors, there should be an app that will at least help you overcome the old Kenny Chesney dilemma of going to bed at two with a ten, and at ten waking up with a two. I propose the beer goggles app! It would utilize facial image recognition software and based upon a huge data set and cross-referencing of known beauty parameters it would analyze the geometry and overall morphological characteristics of said love interest and provide an un-alcohol addled diagnostic judgment per the target of your misguided lust.

Of course, despite the best technology available…accidents will happen. Perhaps the most useful apps are still outside the realm of human realization yet, but if history is any indication…and necessity the mother of invention, then we will continue to see the expansion of apps in the hope that technology can and will, someday, mitigate the perpetual train wreck that is the human experience.

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