Dear Advertisers, More Honest Marketing Please!

Advertisers, I beg you, please be more honest in your labeling of products. I know you are soulless, greedy money-whores, and your advertising is engineered to suppress higher brain function and elicit reptilian impulse behavior. You are constrained by laws about false advertising, so you include the bare minimum of warnings in microscopic font, but people rarely read the fine print (i.e. Use of this product may result in rectal explosions with unstoppable force. So, please use adult diapers or at the very least wear brown pants and do your WalMart shopping after midnight so as not to scare small children.)
Furthermore, we are only human and deep down, no matter what our income bracket or perceived social status; we share the fact that we are all producers of foul smelling feces and have tendencies to punish ourselves with too much alcohol, bad food, and controlled substances. So, because of this fact let the truth be known right up front, in bold, and upfront on the label. While the fine print you must include by law may save your ass, these will also save ours (and I mean that literally).

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Air freshener: Island Breeze and Sh*t, because no matter how much artificial perfumes and chemicals you put in air fresheners, it will never be able to cover up the smelly stench of the average defecation. So, to be fair the label Island Breeze and Sh*t will let people know exactly what their noses are in for when they enter the violated bathroom, which is artificial perfume and floating poop particles.

Activa should be Ass–Blaster Yogurt. Case in point: Michael Goldstein, 38, an investment banker from New York, is a yogurt enthusiast. So, when he saw Activa yogurt cups, they appeared to be innocent, standard yogurt with fruit flavoring. However, he failed to read the fine print, which states that the yogurt is actually laced with colon-blasting ingredients and to limit your amount to one serving per day. Goldstein, however, in keeping with his usual habits of over-eating, consumed a six pack of Activa and for the next three days suffered from ass explosions of unstoppable force.

Pabst Blue Ribbon: Their slogan should be “You’ll look cool in front of your hipster friends but this is instant headache in a can.” And let’s drop the pretense, if that’s possible, and admit that we are really only interested in the cheap libation with a moderately high alcohol content in order to get sh*t-faced and make bad decisions. Really, the point of drinking and the effects of alcohol are to negate responsibility, so can you drop that thinly veiled cover-your-ass “drink responsibly” clause at the end of every booze commercial. Who are we kidding here?

I would also like to see a sensible commercial for the myriad of stomach distress remedies on the market. Tell it like it is…”You don’t have the self-control to avoid the foods your body is vehemently protesting against. So load up on that Prevacid and tell your stomach to shut the hell up while you shove another chilly smothered nitrate torpedo down your gullet and send it rocketing down your already scorched colon.”

I would implore you as well to have a modicum of social responsibility in your advertising. I am not saying you need to include pictures of blind Indonesian children stitching together some name brand sneakers on the outside of the box, but could you at least help us be mindful consumers instead of inducing us into mindless consumerism?

Stupid Consumers Everywhere