Womanary (wo-man-air-ee) noun – A woman’s language or mannerisms decoded, that the opposite sex (men) has no earthly idea how to interpret.
By Erika Hayes
As a woman, I will be the first to say that we are complex human beings. From raging hormones to our intuitive instincts, nothing about possessing the XX chromosome is simple. It is hard being a woman but it is even more difficult for us to communicate these differences to the opposite sex.
Over the years, I’ve seen blah attempts by men to effectively communicate with their girlfriends, wives, sisters, and cousins in their own way. Each time, the results are disastrous. So what is a man to do? A man’s saving grace is that women are very vocal about their feelings, likes and dislikes. The womanary serves as a go-to guide that decodes and hopefully sheds light upon the unspoken female language.
Chapter 1. Introduction to Speaking Woman 101
Scenario 1: There comes a time every month when the dreaded b*%#@ visits. Take your potty thoughts elsewhere, because I am looking for the word bloat – and it is not pretty. Before the stereotypical attribute commonly associated with women (overly theatrical) crosses your mind, let’s take a walk in our shoes. Imagine devouring two six packs of cheap beer, a whole loaf of white bread and a package of marshmallows all in one sitting. You would feel pretty lousy huh? Well, I don’t know if it ever gets that bad for us, but it is enough to derail our daily agenda and change us into complete “nag monsters.” However, not to worry, you can ready yourself for the storm by identifying a single phrase. During this time, grab your helmet, protective gear and guard your loins, as we slowly transform into one of the hormone-induced female hellions you’ve either already experienced, or only seen on TV.
“I feel fat” – Red alert! Red alert! Sometimes silence is better than any encouraging word you could give. Don’t kid with her about how you’ve noticed the same. If you do, proceed with caution…and anticipate being in the doghouse. I don’t make the rules… they are what they are… just remember… this too shall pass.
Scenario 2: You and your significant other are having a spirited debate about overbearing parents. Your ladylove says that your mother is a little too clingy for comfort. That’s when you refresh her memory of the romantic dinner that her dad insisted on crashing. She says the words, “Excuse me?” as you look into her eyes only to see red flames. You secretly think, did she not hear me? But before you repeat, you must first understand what she is saying.
“Excuse Me?” – No, women are not hard of hearing and neither are we being polite when saying this. We just don’t care too much for the foolishness that exited your mouth. Its purpose is to serve as a warning. Before you repeat your statement, quickly review what you have said or most important, what you could have said wrong. In layman’s terms this phrase is basically saying, “please repeat that reckless comment at your own risk, I dare you to.” If you decide to play the role of Billy The Kid by naively repeating your comment, you might as well make your own funeral arrangements.
Scenario 3: It’s the season finale you’ve been waiting for. I’m not talking about The Walking Dead, I’m talking Super Bowl XLIX or 49 for those who are unaware of the Greek numbering system. You are pulling out all of the stops. You’ve called up your boys, made a liquor store run for the ultimate refreshment drink – Gentleman’s Jack – and even enlisted your girlfriend as chef. Your girlfriend enters your kitchen with a gaggle of recyclable bags filled with edible goodies. It is 30 minutes until game time and your excitement of the impending game blurs your vision of reality. In fact, the truth is that your significant other has totally bit off more than she can chew. She must cook for 20 men before kickoff begins. Your lady asks for your assistance in the kitchen, as you helplessly exchange looks with your buds as they shrug their shoulders and continue gawking at the pre-game commentary.
“Can you help me”– Nothing peeves a woman more than a man who watches labor without offering help. Men offer to help open doors, mow yards and fix tires without being prompted. It boils our kettles when we are struggling to whip together a meal for a host of your friends as you leave us alone high and dry. Most of the time, we don’t need your help but it just makes us feel good to know that we are not by ourselves in our time of “mini crisis.”