By Cote Bailey
Discounted tickets to your school’s football games
If you’re a big sports fan that never was able to get that diploma remember that there is an extra incentive to get back in class; the student discount on sports tickets. Be right there as SMU, TCU, or UNT take the field and have the satisfaction of knowing you paid half of what the rest of these poor schmucks paid – minus the cost of tuition so technically you paid $35,000 per semester more for your tickets, but who’s counting?
The chance to be immortalized in one of those terrible college stock photos
You know the ones: Kid looking intently at beaker, guy and girl laughing while Indian sitting on lawn, multi-racial gathering of students of various social and economic classes working on a project conveniently in front of school sign or statue. Mom and dad will be proud. Diversity yay!
You can finally learn the answers to the great mysteries of life
College opens your mind to the answers of some of life’s greatest questions like how were the Pyramids of Egypt built, what’s behind the Bermuda Triangle, the Tunguska Explosion, what happened to the Roanoke Colony, and who’s responsible for crop circles? Oh you won’t…well…at least you can get those half-priced tickets!
Movies make it look awesome
Hollywood makes college seem incredible. If we go by Tinseltown our collegiate experience would be filled with smoking hot blondes in Anthropology 101 whose hair blows and glows while they have a pencil gently placed at the corner of their mouths. Then there are the genius custodians that graduate from Harvard and become Jason Bourne or the lovable miscreant businessman that enrolls to eventually date Sally Kellerman. From Van Wilder to Legally Blonde to Old School to PCU we are shown that we can go to class (on occasion), piss off the dean, and still get the diploma and the girl. Sweet!
Life on campus can broaden your horizons and show you things that you would normally never get a chance to see. As soon as you step foot on the grounds you will have a senses overload from all the beauty, breathtaking, and unbelievably hot aesthetics. Sure the trees and the statues of the old dead guy that founded the place are cool, but what will really get the ol’ soft tissue in your head stimulated is the mobile scenery that walks around campus in their pajama bottoms and tank tops. I’m feeling smarter already.
According to studies, 86.3% of all strippers are attempting to pay their way through college
So if this is true class should get real interesting if you happen to have a couple of extra singles laying around.
Being able to befriend a genius
Instead of tormenting the guy that is probably going to be your boss one day why not become his buddy and fend off others who look to solidify his nomination for the Wedgie Hall of Fame. Should you become guardian of the geeks you will most likely be rewarded handsomely with a cushy job when four-eyes starts the next Google or invents a way to track down the lost dryer sock.
The chance that your archeology professor is Indiana Jones
Wouldn’t it be awesome to accompany Professor Jones to Southern Asia or the Mayan ruins or maybe even the Middle East…that is except for potentially getting killed, maimed or thrown into a pit of venomous snakes. But I heard if you die while doing an assignment you get an A.
The gorgeous professor
Hey you never know when Megan Fox will be invited as a guest prof for Sex Ed. One can dream can’t we?
Being able to look down on non-college grads
Once enrolled be sure to let everyone that you know who didn’t graduate know that you are back in school. And even if your major is undecided be sure to make up some crazy major course of study to impress them and crush their hopes of ever being better than you in one fell swoop. Try this on for size:
Friend: What are you studying?
You: Oh me, I’m just studying Bio-Mechanical Engineering with an emphasis on STEM cell research and a minor in pre-revolution French art history
Friend: Oh that’s nice (thinking: I hate my life)
Finally being able to flick off your boss at Starbucks
Student loan owed amount: $146,000. Being able to stick it to the man, priceless. Take your Venti Soy Chai at 130 degrees with no water and a drizzle of caramel and shove it!