The Blitz Olympics

We are one month away from the Summer Olympics in London and while sitting at the office with a three quarters empty bottle of Jack Daniels we started thinking, “what would it be like if we awarded medals for all the dumb, idiotic, and absolutely terrible things we see on a daily basis?” Well you get the BLITZ Olympics, our salute to the blunders, goof-ups, and the down right epic people and events of this past year that would win medals in achievements in both hilarity and stupidity.

CELEBRITY MELTDOWNS

GOLD MEDAL
Alec Baldwin – He turned his runway super meltdown into an endorsement deal and endless jokes with his Words With Friends. While boarding an American Airlines flight Baldwin refused to turn off his phone and stop playing his favorite game. What came next was utter comedy as the 30 Rock star was booted off the plane and tweeted, #nowonderamericanairisbankrupt. Classic.
Silver
Lindsay Lohan – Pretty much her entire life after the age of 16.
Bronze
NBA Commissioner David Stern – When Jim Rome criticizism struck a little too close to home with the Commish he asked Rome, “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” #BaZinga

YOU BIG DUMMY
GOLD MEDAL
François-Henri Pinault – The man behind Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent, and about ten dozen other companies and husband of Salma Hayek reached a settlement with baby mama/super model Linda Evangelista where she reportedly will receive $46,000 a month in child support.
Silver
Halle Berry – The A-List actress has to pay her baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, $20,000 a month in child support.
Bronze
Antonio Cromartie – The Jets cornerback has 12 children with eight different women…
and surprisingly the only thing he’s caught are interceptions.

MOVIE FLOPS
GOLD MEDAL
John Carter – This Disneyendorsed cinematic turd needed more than Charmin to wipe away its $160 million loss. Before its Titanic-like descent to the bottom of the abyss Disney thought that this movie would set box office records…turns out they were right.
Silver
Battleship – Although it stayed afloat thanks to the overseas market, domestically this battleship sunk.
Bronze
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Cost $90 million to make took in $13 million opening weekend. Bombs away!

BIGGEST DOUCHE
GOLD MEDAL
Joseph Kony – This D-bag extraordinaire is responsible for atrocities that have devastated entire regions of Africa. But his douchebaggery was spotlighted in a viral marketed campaign that made the world see the real a-hole behind the legend.
Silver
Scott Disick – This Kardashibag makes everyone hate him just a little bit more with every episode.
Bronze
Donald Trump – Sue a Miss Universe contestant, become a douche…simple as that.

LUCKY S.O.B.
GOLD MEDAL
Kris Humphries – Why? Because if he had not married a certain Kardashian this guy would be just some mediocre NBA player. Now he has some extra cash and a whole lot of extra name recognition (The guy has even been in GQ).
Silver
Mike Tyson – He’s managed to get his career back on track. From proclaiming to want to eat babies and ear biting, to Vegas and now to Broadway…now that’s progress.
Bronze
Roger Clemens – The Rocket skated on all charges of juicing up and perjury proving once and for all pretty much nothing.

FAIL OF THE YEAR
GOLD MEDAL
New York Post’s Tiger Woods Cover
Let’s just say the NY Post wasn’t too subtle with their double-entendres when they were writing the headlines for Tiger.
Silver
Tanning Mom – Lady that looks like rawhide, we no likey.
Bronze
Octomom bares all – Wait she had eight kids at once and has six more at home? File that under the “Never Watch This” section of our video catalog.

PLASTIC DISASTERS
GOLD MEDAL
Big Ang – This VH1 Mob Wife has been under the knife more times than the main course at Houston’s and now her face looks like the backend of a Mastiff. Woof.
Silver
Bruce Jenner – Poor guy; from Olympian, to Kardashian, to surgical nightmare all in one
lifetime.
Bronze
Lil’ Kim – not now, we just ate.

SUPERZEROS
GOLD MEDAL
Green Lantern – Ryan Reynolds never met a script he couldn’t massacre and the latest film adaption of the super hero the Green Lantern was no exception. Reynolds and director Martin Campbell made sure any sequels to this franchise will never see the green light of Sector 2814 again.
Silver
Ghost Rider – Spirit of Vengeance was more like Duration of Crappiness.
Bronze
Dredd – It hasn’t even come out yet and it stinks all the way from here.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply