Spilling The Beans

A lot of people complain about coffees shops. They whine about how expensive they are, how long they have to wait in line, how they have the unmitigated nerve to put out a tip jar for pouring a cup of ‘go juice’, and so on and so on. Hey, here’s a tip for free…shut the hell up!

For me, the real value of coffee shops rank pretty high up there with things that make life a lot better for us guys. They may not be as important as the invention of the thong, casual highheel shoes (‘a*s jackers’) and low-rise women’s jeans, but they’re definitely on the ‘good list’. I mean really, where else can you go for two bucks (and yes, you should put the change in the tip jar), get a good cup of coffee, pull up a comfortable chair and be ringside for what’s usually a pretty impressive parade of ‘local talent’?

Personally, I’m a devotee to a coffee shop right up the road from my house. Maybe it started because it’s just up the road, but whatever the reason, it’s ‘my place’ now. I travel all over the world in my job, and no matter where I go, the first thing I look for when I’m getting comfortable in new environs is my favorite little green and white coffee shop sign. The prices and décor are the same and the atmosphere is familiar…it’s like home. It’s akin to staying in the same hotel chain, or slipping into a favorite pair of ragged old tennis shoes…it just feels right.

When I walk into my coffee shop the manager knows my name and remembers what I usually order. I see familiar faces, and even if we really don’t know each other, we still give that little nod of recognition. It’s like ‘Cheers’, where “everybody knows your name,” but you don’t need a designated driver when it’s time to go home.

Like with any ‘hip’ little place to be these days, (yes, it makes me cringe to use the word ‘hip’, but it seems to be the best description here), there is one thing that ‘real men’ should consider in order to maintain that coveted ‘guy status’. Whether you’re there to mingle with the ladies, brought one of your own, or are just ‘browsing’ and enjoying the view, here you go:

Order Real Coffee! That’s right, ‘real men’ should order ‘real coffee’. Cappuccino is probably okay too if you just have to be ‘exotic’, because after all, it’s just really strong coffee, and you can still order it with one strongly delivered word. But unless you’re going to sit with your legs delicately crossed, flip your hair back with one hand and drink with your dainty little pinky finger extended outward, try to refrain from ordering anything that’s ‘frapped’, ‘upside down’, needs ‘multiple pumps’ or takes longer to order than it does to drink. Really, when you’re standing in line and hear some guy spout off a three-minute drink order with words like ‘frap’ and ‘six-pump’ and ‘extra spice’ and ‘make it upside down’, you can’t tell me that you don’t snicker just a little. Besides, after a few minutes, condensation gathers on those cups and drips on their pants and what guy likes to have people stare and wonder, “What’s that wet spot on his lap?”

So find your favorite local spot, pull up a chair, enjoy a good old steaming cup of ‘Joe’, and enjoy being a ‘real man’.

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