By Ethan Harmon
Honestly, I was a little worried about this election for a while. After Romney started picking up steam, I thought I might have to try and pull out all of the big guns on this one. Then he started talking, flipping sides, and he picked Paul Ryan for his vice presidential candidate. Paul Ryan! Why not just pick Palin again so we can all share a laugh? Seriously, what was he thinking?
Anyway, let’s move on to the big topics. It’s true that the economy isn’t where it should be, but we are on a slow recovery. We will be able to slowly build this country back to its original greatness by establishing American jobs here, locally. No outsourcing for us. (Did you hear Mitt outsourced his butler? How do you even do that?). We need to let the Bush tax cuts for those making under $200,000 a year to expire and raise taxes on the rich. You know, the Romneys of this country. Why should they get more breaks for making more than most Americans? And what’s the deal with his “20% cuts across the board?” How does that even make sense? Everyone gets reductions and that just fixes everything? His magical undies must have special powers or something if he thinks that will work.
Our armed forces are where they should be: protecting our country. We don’t need to add to our debt by pouring more money into building warships. And we certainly do not need more horses and bayonets (man that was a good zinger). We don’t need to endanger more soldiers than we need to. That’s why we have drones. They don’t put lives at risk and they tear everything apart Michael Bay style. Oh, and did I mention that our forces took down Osama bin Laden under my presidency? That has to earn me extra brownie points.
Let’s touch on some other very important matters. Contraceptives should be available to women who are covered by health plans. Cutting funding for Planned Parenthood would be a big mistake. (I’m sure Rush Limbaugh would have a field day hearing me say that). I believe that immigrants that are born within our boarders should be given an equal opportunity in our nation. Building a wall just sounds silly. It worked against the Mongols when, you know, cars, jets, and boats didn’t exist. More funding and rewards should be provided for our educational system. We need teachers to educate our youth so that they may potentially become successful. With a little luck, our current students and future workers might build something (see what I did there?). As far as marriage goes, I believe that same-sex unions should be allowed, but the states have the final say. But seriously, come on! If couples want to get married, whether they are same-sex or not, they should be able to do as they please. Oh, and one last thing: Obamacare baby! Remember how everyone used to complain that the US didn’t have universal health care? Yeah, I fixed that.
Who do you want in the White House? Do you want a lying insecure man with no plan? Or do you want me, the remarkably photogenic president? I think the answer is clear. I’m doing my best to better our country, and I think I’ve done well putting things into motion. Also, this is like Highlander: there can be only one. My reference is better. Forget about Romney and vote Obama!