Pocketful of Peens: December 18th 2012

By Posie Pocket

At this time last year, my heart was 95% mended from the shitty sheet lover boy who broke it. I had a few more dates under my belt with several not-so-special dudes, but my confidence was still on shaky ground. Besides finding an Army captain to randomly smooch on New Year’s Eve, I was still on the bench in the game of dating. Looking back on 2012, I’ve had lots of game time but feel as if my player stats have decreased. The collection of peens I’ve accrued made me realize I was going out with too many of the “wrong guys.” Instead of saying no to a date when I didn’t want to go, I would say yes just for the heck of it. Practice, practice, practice. I remember my fourth grade basketball coach telling us little girls that practice makes permanent. It doesn’t make perfect; instead, it simply allows you to develop a pattern. Well I’ve definitely fallen into a shitty little slump of generic first dates that have no follow up. Declaring that 2013 will be the year to break the pattern, I think it’s vital I reflect.

Moving forward, it’s important I be more selective when it comes to friends wanting to set me up. Reviewing my track record, I’ve been set up with at least a dozen guys and they’ve all crashed and burned. Here’s why: I know absolutely zip about the person. Except of course, his best qualities that his friends have gushed about. Even my most trusted, best friend set me up with someone and it definitely didn’t turn out for the best.

My best friend met this guy who I’d be “perfect for.” The setup happened, the guy called, yada yada yada. We go on the Starbucks date and I was kind of feeling it, but on the fence. He was certainly a looker so that bumped him up a few notches in my book. At the end of the date, I discovered I was several years his senior. Wam-bam thank you mam we are done here. Dating 101: make sure you know the guy’s age before you commit to coffee. Such a shame too because he was a dreamboat.

Another time, one of my dear gal pals from the gym set me up with this guy from her work. Once again, I knew zip about him. In fact, he didn’t even have a Facebook so I couldn’t digitally stalk his ass. First slipup- he texted me instead of calling. In fact, he wanted our mutual friend to provide me with his phone number and I’d make the first move. Hell no boy! Get your chivalry on and hit me up. Second slipup, his texts were creepy and flirty right off the bat. Give a girl a warm-up lap before you go getting your flirt on. And lastly, he was rude with attitude on our frozen yogurt date. He insulted my brother’s occupation like a dumbass and I told him right then and there he was dickish. No question there why he didn’t ask me out for a second date. His calls would have gone unanswered anyway.

One of the pivotal WTF moments I’ve had in my dating life is when the same gym-going gal pal wanted to set me up with another one of her work buddies. This guy looked promising on paper. Super tall, boyishly cute and he played football in college. I like a man with some stamina and school spirit. I vividly remember the night I met him. I was out of town with my family but was persuaded to hightail it back to Dallas for the meet-up with the jock. I remember hugging my mom and saying I didn’t want to leave them, but she encouraged me to go because you never know where you’ll meet your next main squeeze. This is the one time I shouldn’t have listened to my mama. The meeting was going to be at a friend’s birthday party. I was assured he would arrive at the bar when the clock struck 11 PM. As the clock ticked on, I became more sleepy and pissed. I don’t want to date some douche bag who lacks common courtesy to be punctual. As 1 AM rolled around, so did his drunk ass. I saw him slide into the bar in a drunken state. He had itty bitty blonde girls accompanying him on either side. Who the hell invited Polly Pocket I & II? There’s only enough room for Posie Pocket in this joint ladies! As he made his way towards our table, my friend introduced us. As she introduced him, he was dancing like Carlton from Fresh Prince and said, “Nice to meet you. I’m going to get a drink.” And then he vanished into the sea of sweaty, horny partiers. My jaw hit the floor and I was stunned. This guy told my friend a number of times he wanted to meet me and then he wiggles like a worm while he meets me, excuses himself to the bar and that’s all? Of course the self-doubt sinks in. I think “Was I ugly in person compared to my photos on Facebook?” But then I reminded myself that all the self-doubt nonsense is poison and wasteful. Bottom line, I’m not interested in being with a man who gets black-out drunk and lacks courtesy. I want a man who is courteous on the streets and in the sheets! Plus, no offense he was kind of gap-toothed.

To quote a cinema classic (Mean Girls), “It’s not your fault you’re so gaptoothed.” So, what has 2012 taught me? You don’t have to give every Tom, Dick and Harry a chance just because he asks you out or your friend wants you to meet him. It’s time to be more selective and ask myself, “Can I actually visualize making out with this guy? Is he truly salt of the Earth?” If he’s not bangable or salty, then keep it moving. I extend a gracious and hopeful heart to 2013. Maybe I won’t be swooped up by Mr. Right, but I guarantee I won’t focus on always having a Mr. Right Now. It’s time for quality over quantity.

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