Pocketful of Peens

I Hate This Part

With my surge in dating this past year, there are several moments in the dating rat race I loathe. Anticipating these moments upsets my stomach and makes me squirm. You’d think after all the schmucks and dicks I’ve juggled, I’d be a pro at these things. Nope- still feel like a silly little girl with a big dumb bow in my hair.

WHEN THE CHECK COMES

At the end of the date and it’s time to pay up, I hate just assuming the dude will pay. I am a fan of chivalry and would prefer for the man to take the lead on the bill front. But I don’t want to be the aloof bitch who just assumes. Lucky for me, most guys, regardless of how dickish he is, pick up the bill instantly, not giving me a chance to offer. At least they’re hoping to build up enough credits to cash them in on a little sexual romp. But I hate it when a guy just sits his ass right there and doesn’t take the manly lead.

Just the other day I was having dinner with a pretty decent guy. I thought he was super handsome, he was in his thirties and he seemed likely to take a wife. When the check came, he took his sweet time reaching for the little leather booklet. When he finally did, I sheepishly said, “Do you need any help with that?” He quickly replied with confidence, “Sure.” I was shocked as shit! Yes, I release I offered, but doesn’t every guy appreciate a girl who offers to pay but would never take her money? I wanted to exclaim, “Keep it moving and pay for your own damn salmon.” I thoughtfully ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, in an effort to not drain his wallet. Little did I know I’d be paying for his gross, high dollar fish. I couldn’t get out of that restaurant fast enough. The whole way he drove home, I was cringing with annoyance and disbelief. I kept that toothy smile plastered on my face until I got inside. But obviously he wasn’t feeling the date either…don’t worry Buddy, your actions towered over your words.

FIRST KISS

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good lip-lock just as any other twenty-something, hot blooded female would. However, I hate the moment leading up the a first kiss. I never ever know how to brace myself for it. It’s like getting a shot or bikini wax. It’s never quite as bad as you think it’ll be, but bracing yourself for that moment is pure torture. Perhaps I need to get liquored up a bit more and it wouldn’t feel so awkward. My problem is, when a guy is dropping me off, I have a track record of jumping out of the car super fast. Whether he wants to kiss me or not, he’s going to have to chase me upstairs to plant one on my lips.

I was out with a guy one night and he took the lead like no other and I appreciated the hell out of it. He walked me to my door and I offered him a quick little hug and pivoted to head up the stairs. He grabbed me by my waist, (although my initial thought was “I just ate dinner and my belly might jiggle”) spun me so I was facing him and kissed me. As he was going in for the smooch, I felt the need to narrate the situation. I blurted out, “Oh you’re going to kiss me now.” Afterwards I quickly looked away and said, “Alright good kiss. Good night.” What an awkward little teen I was. These are the exact reasons why I feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable with first kisses. I can’t just let it happen without running my big mouth. Key thing to remember in this situation, silence is golden. I need to spy on my girlfriends when they go on dates. Perhaps I could hide in the bushes, take notes on their body language and learn the real tricks of the trade. I seem to be alone in my fear of first kisses, thinking it’s the most unnatural thing in the world.

WAITING FOR HIS CALL OR TEXT

I know in this day and age, a girl shouldn’t have to sit around and wait for a guy to initiate. But I’m slightly old-fashion in this respect so I want to let the guy pursue me. This makes me a nervous little twit though. The second-guessing, checking your phone every five minutes and hoping he’ll call. Then when your phone does buzz with a text, and it’s not him, watch out because there’s a bitch on the loose. But when he does finally reach out, you’re the happiest girl in the world.

I can’t tell you how many times my mood has been affected by a boy not calling. I am sure I annoy the hell out of my friends, over-freaking-analyzing why he hasn’t reached out. Here’s a strong takeaway I’ve learned and need to remember it as a solid mantra: “If he doesn’t text, then he’s not thinking about you. So don’t think about him!” I am quickly realizing that even though some guy isn‘t wanting to pursue me, I’m still one heck of a catch! Same thing goes for some decent men I’ve gone on dates with. They may be super fabulous on paper, but when push comes to shove, there ain’t no fire burning in the lover department. It’s so crucial to remind myself that I can’t be everything to everyone. So if the phone doesn’t ring, don’t be wasting any tears over some guy who isn’t wasting any thoughts on you.

 

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