Planet Hipster: A Field Guide

The Modern Hipster, or as they are known by their Latin socio-taxonomic name Hipsteronium irono scenesterus eunuchus, is an interesting species. Commonly assumed to be a subspecies of emotius poutypants, there is growing evidence to suggest that they are in fact their own species. It is due in large part to their ability to assimilate any and all authentic cultural trappings, hence it has been hard to discern their rapid and growing numbers in recent years. Although located in nearly all habitats across the North American Continent, they are primarily concentrated in areas perceived by themselves as hip such as Williamsburg, New York, Portland, Oregon, and San Francisco, California.

The hipster can be spotted by their distinctive and complex outer markings that are often a hodgepodge collection of socio-economic and cultural fashions which they adorn themselves with in order to convey important social information. However, much of this information is contradictory and confusing. When researched we stumbled upon the central theme of hipster life and indeed the language with which they communicate – Irony.

However, relying solely upon irony as a form of expression and communication can lead to some problems. Namely, a unique language dysfunction resulting in an infinite irony loop whereby the continuous use of contradictory communication to express oneself leaves all others unable to discern where the ironic intention begins or ends thereby negating the original contradictory element in the irony which is probably ironic. In other words, the overuse of irony has left the hipster without a strong command of meaningful communication, which leads to some interesting behavior in order to compensate for the ill effects.

One of the difficulties the hipster species face is the constant pressure to maintain a facade of coolness. However, I believe that this results in severe restrictions on music tastes, having a very limited social circle. It also causes infinite fracturing and self-distancing in search of esoteric minutia in order to prove they are different so they can be the same in their group.

Mating rituals are also highly complex with the hipster. Possible mating partners usually meet at local watering holes. However, finding a mate can be a challenge since gender identity and roles are often confused. In any case, rather than having a visual display in order to attract a mate, the male and female hipsters intentionally make themselves ugly as a result of their misuse of irony (ie. beards, mullets, trucker hats, camel-toe Bongo jeans, nose rings, etc.)

Enthusiasm of any kind, especially attraction, is generally frowned upon and considered not cool. Not being able to show their attraction for someone makes finding a mate even harder, since hipsters do not have the ability to read minds. However, this may be in their favor, since many would be frightened if they knew what they were thinking. Ultimately, the hipster usually resorts to heavy drinking or controlled substances in order to slowly break down these self-imposed social barriers.

Hipsters can be found residing in their parents’ basement or in a dilapidated house with several roommates. A popular place for young hipsters to retire is Portland, Oregon, where many are found working part time at coffee shops and living in communes. The hipster is often unoccupied or ceremoniously occupying certain space not really as an occupation in the traditional sense of work getting done, but that they are in a space and occupying it. Often the hipster supports itself off trust funds or pouting behind the counter at local organic trendy bars/shops/cafes.

The future of the hipster is uncertain, especially as the years go on and they remain stuck in the ’90s. As culture continues to evolve and the hipster eventually runs out of skin area to tattoo, the very survival of the species is unknown. Perhaps future nursing homes will be an interesting motley conglomeration of white-haired octogenarians with sleeves of tattoos and wheeling around in their wheelchairs while yelling out for PBR and vegan gluten-free biscuits.

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