By Ethan Harmon
10. The Master Splinter – A staple for anyone who wishes to dish out a helping of ass-kicking, or at least look like they know martial arts. The Master Splinter is simple, yet it gets the point across. This ‘stache style is as important as the style of kung-fu that is about to be served to the nearest unlucky troublemaker.
9. The Albert Einstein – Bushy, witty, and hard to miss, the Albert Einstein shows that you not only look good, but you have the intellectual capacity to solve advanced quantum physics. Throw on a lab coat and lecture some feeble-minded goons about the wonders of the universe.
8. The Burt Reynolds – This style is just plain sexy. Whether you are running around the country in a Firebird or playing a game of football against the evil opponent, this ‘stache says “Hey, I’m a man, and I’m damn sexy.” Guaranteed to get the ladies’ attention.
7. The Jamie Hyneman – Ready to bust some myths? Grow out this bristly wonder and solve the mysteries of science and myth in style. Nothing says “I’m smart, constructive, and witty” like this facial lip-warmer. Berets are not included with the ‘stache.
6. The Salvador Dali – Only for the surrealists in the world. This abstract work of hair is meant to impress and mystify. The mustache in itself is a work of art, so it will appease art lovers immediately.
5. The Teddy Roosevelt – Do you want to ride horses through the White House? Of course you do! Who is going to stop you? No one, if you sport this mustache. In fact, you can carry a big stick and do whatever the hell you want if you have this.
4. The Eddie Murphy – Do you think yourself a comedian? Then this is the facial hair for you. Tested through movies, stand-up, and television, this ‘stache has held its own and is guaranteed to bring in the laughs.
2. The Super Mario – Saving princesses, bashing turtles, and collecting coins would be a thing of the past if it were not for this wavy work of art. Growing this mighty mustache will allow you to not only find power-ups; it will also give you an edge when hitting on the princesses at your local bar.
1. The Goatee (The Ladykillers) – Sure, this is a mustache that has a little extra “umph” to it, but it is a tired and true testament to the wonders of facial hair. The goatee – the original ladykiller – if executed properly, will attract everyone within a one-hundred yard radius. It never fails. Never!