MONEY! That’s What They Want

Be sure to download these tracks and play them while preparing your taxes this year. You'll enjoy the sound of music!
Be sure to download these tracks and play them while preparing your taxes this year. You’ll enjoy the sound of music!

By Peter Gerstenzang

As April 15 looms, Americans suddenly are divided into one of two groups. The first includes the anal
retentive apple polishers who filed their taxes at the end of January. The other half have put off filing for so long, they’ve just hired attorneys to help them with their plea bargains. Which is fine, as long you don’t do what I did. And get the guy who represented Wesley Snipes. Whatever your situation, I’ve compiled a list of great songs about that hellish, timely topic, money.

“Money Changes Everything” The Brains: An incredibly catchy ode to the power of the almighty dollar. You can sing it everywhere but the Internal Revenue Service office. Where it is thought of not as a song, but a suggestion of bribery. Wink at an agent while singing? They add five years to your sentence.

“You Never Give Me Your Money” The Beatles: The government folks are cagy. First, they send you an mp3 of this tune by e-mail. Then they write and ask if you liked it. If you did, they sign you up for a five-year subscription to a record club. Stuff comes you never ordered. By the time you’re done, with penalties and fines, you’ve paid for years of taxes. Plus, half of the war in Iraq.

“Gimme The Loot” The Notorious B.I.G: The tax people usually start out very polite. With a letter suggesting an audit that reads like something by Jane Austen. The next letter has a bit more edge, like it was written by Elmore Leonard. Try and respond at this point. Because, the final contact is a call, in which an agent raps this Biggie tune over the phone. And it’s the X-rated version! Even worse? You don’t know true terror until an IRS rep calls you “homeboy.”

“Alimony” Ry Cooder: The narrator of this song is complaining about how he has to keep supporting his wife. And he sounds so pained, it’s like he’s literally supporting her. And she weighs 300 pounds. Plus, he’s so broke, he can’t afford a truss. He probably doesn’t know that alimony is deductible. Man, those blues singers. They never see the bright side.

“Legal Tender” B-52s: A groovy tune about counterfeiting money. Which, of course, is no way to pay your taxes. It’s totally illegal. In fact, you never read this. And I never wrote it. And, uh, God Bless America!!!

“Money” Barrett Strong: A great song about financial desperation. Even if Donald Trump now claims he came up with this thing too. A cool tune to hear on the radio. However, if the IRS calls you up in the middle of the night and blasts it, it will take an IV solution of triple-strength Thorazine to scrape you off the ceiling. And if you think that you’re playing this over the phone to them to speed up your refund, forget it. They’ll then call 24/7 and play sound bites from Trump’s speeches. And no drug can counter that.