Rock and Roll Resolutions are really no different than the regular kind. Meaning, you have to get rid of bad habits, ones that are doing you real harm. Clearly, some of them are easier to jettison than others. Like listening to James Blunt. Still, as the New Year begins, I’ve made a list of things I’ve grown used to and must change to save my soul. Those last three words remind me that nothing is impossible. Meaning, I tossed out the Jewel album in 1996. So, you see, it can be done.
Resolution No. 1: It’s okay to throw the Devil Horns, as long as you’re careful to whom. In other words, I promise it won’t ever happen again, Father Murphy.
Resolution No. 2: I vow to not read any more interviews with Joni Mitchell. I’m tired of her whining, complaining and putting everybody down. I’m gonna stick with somebody who’s got a positive, more balanced view of life. Yep, tomorrow, I start reading Sarah Palin’s book about The War On Christmas.
Resolution No. 3: Remember to not buy tickets for Rod Stewart and The Faces reunion for 2021. No rush on this.
Resolution No. 4: Try and keep an open mind about Miley Cyrus. After all, I couldn’t stand her father when he started out. And now….oh who am I kidding?
Resolution No. 5: Stop hoping Bruce will realize he needs to start singing again like a guy from Jersey and not like Yosemite Sam. Bruce, stop it. I’ve been in the audience. There ain’t no varmints out there!
Resolution No. 6: Everyone knows that Kanye West is thoroughly obnoxious. And that Lou Reed said, before he died, that West was a “genius.” So I resolve to get the rapper to do a duet with Lou. You can take that any way you want. But regarding Kanye? I resolve to make the whole thing look like an accident.
Resolution No. 7: I plan to get Adam Levine to stop doing what he does. As soon as I find out what it is that he does.
Resolution No. 8: I hope to get Lindsay Lohan a three-album and two-book deal. Whatever it takes to keep her so busy, she never appears on the screen again.
Resolution No. 9: I hope to get Jared Leto six movies in 2014. Whatever it takes to keep him so busy, he never makes an album again.
Resolution No. 10: Send congratulatory telegram to Eminem for his success this year. But tell him to please not call the next record The Slim Shady LP 2. That would really be cheesy. Then, expect return telegram from Em, saying he is going to stab me and put me in the trunk of his car. Send back a telegram that says, “That has so already been done.” If I turn up missing, please start the questioning with Eminem.