Leo – July 23 – August 22
You are fantastic in bed this month but your personality more than counteracts this. Your much vaunted creativity and enthusiasm will be wasted in a series of uninspiring dead-end jobs.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22
You will need to start working overtime and live off moldy bread and the table scraps of others so you can provide properly for your descendants' futures.

Libra – September 23 – October 22
Your lack of ability to hear what people around you are saying will cause your uncle to commit you to an insane asylum. Welcome to Shutter Island!

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. Don’t make any rash promises this week.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Your company will sue you for damages and will win a judgement against you for 17 million dollars.   

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
Your neighbors next door are actually federal agents and have been watching your every move. Hell they might even throw in a bag of potting compost and a box of assorted cuttings!

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
You will grow a third eye. You consider yourself a born leader. You will be forced to find a new job taste-testing dog food for the next seven years.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Others think you are pushy. You become consumed with the categorical imperative to eat the brains of the innocent, which oddly enough is a moral action that can be universalized.

Aries – March 21 – April 19
You can prevent a horrible event if you immediately take steps to prevent it by doing the following singing "Tomorrow" at a Rangers game. Your minister is out to get you.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You become depressed and go on an all night cooking rampage. Get your popcorn ready!

Gemini – May 21 – June 21
Your breath stinks! This week you will become closely acquainted with the STD treatment business, something which will last the rest of your isolated itchy life.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22
Your life will be miserable. Warning: Have you kept up to date with the human sacrifices? Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent in prostitution.