Last night, after listening to the radio, watching CNN and eating chalupas at Taco Bell, I had a very strange dream. I imagined all the presidential candidates had turned into legendary rock stars. Even more amazing, I found myself singing a scorching rendition of “Quando Quando Quando.” But that’s for another time. Right now, I present to you, the top presidential candidates and the rockers I think they most resemble. Oh and next time I’ll try eating at Chipotle and see what happens. It’s cool. I have health insurance now.
Donald Trump Is David Lee Roth
They both love the sound of their own voices so much, they’ll still be talking a year after they die. They
need so much strategic help arranging their little bit of hair, they’ve each brought in the Army Corps of
Engineers for help. One difference. Diamond Dave only sang “Just a Gigolo.” Trump has lived it!
Bernie Sanders Is Henry Rollins
These are two angry guys who believe the big banks should be broken up. And plan to do so by punching them with their fists. Neither one cares much about clothes. And when they change underwear, I believe they do it with each other. But the biggest similarity may be those loud, abrasive voices. Actually, a lot of people think that Bernie got his first notoriety as a senator from Vermont. Not true. It was singing lead in a Black Flag tribute band.
Ted Cruz Is Geddy Lee
Although their voices are not obviously alike, they have the same effect on most members of the animal kingdom. When Geddy sings or Ted goes into his JFK impression, dogs run in counterclockwise circles on the lawn. Birds go into dead faints and fall off branches. Dire warning: if Mike Huckabee ever teaches Ted bass, prepare for The Rapture.
Marco Rubio Is Ted Nugent
Both are convinced there are Taliban members waiting for them in the foyer. Or will, once you’ve explained to them what a foyer is. Marco loves guns every bit as much as his doppelganger. Or more, since Rubio made the heart-tugging confession that he bought a piece on Christmas Eve. Nobody actually knows which family member he gave the gun to on Christmas day. But it might be a good idea to be very polite to Marco’s wife and kids, if you’re ever introduced. Smile incorrectly and they might shoot you. Another weird coincidence? Ted sings “Cat Scratch Fever.” Marco is a carrier.
Hillary Clinton Is Joan Jett
Don’t be fooled by the smart suits. Hillary is a Riot Grrrl. Just get her onstage with a guitar, then stand Bill next to her. And you won’t believe her version of “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” Put Elizabeth Warren on drums, and boys, pray your testicles don’t shrink down to the size of raisins.