How to make annoying things fun

You’re probably old enough to know already that the world can be a cruel place. While as children we may have had to dodge mud-pies and fists on the playground, adulthood is full of many annoying things that we have all had to deal with at some point: late fees, mean bosses, rude customers, speeding tickets, a cheating spouse, just to name a few. You will be talked down to, treated unfairly, and basically treated like a doormat, there is just no way around it. There’s no point in sugar coating it, especially since you can fight back against these grievances, and even have fun doing it. I like to call it passive anarchy:

A cheating spouse: I’ve heard of some truly horrific crimes of passion due to cheating, from defecating in the middle of someone’s kitchen to throwing a tub of pasta over new lovers in bed. This one is a bit less violent and more hygienic. If you catch your partner cheating, simply tell them their sex partner just tested positive for syphilis – you know a guy that works at the lab – and then promptly recommend an expensive doctor with a penchant for gossip and who is not included in their HMO.

Late Fees: Rich people don’t have these problems, but if you’ve had late fees from not paying your bills on time – which could be a variety of reasons such as paying for your mother’s eye operation, someone stealing your identity and cleaning out your bank account – it doesn’t really matter. The corporations behind late fees are soulless money-whores and you’re just another dumb slob, so get in line. You have no choice but to yield to the man, but here’s the fun part. There are no laws against cursing on checks, as long as it clears. Therefore, next time you get a late fee, carefully write in the memo line: f*ck you very much for the late fees.

Mean bosses: Having a bad boss, regardless of the degree of demeaning or tedious work you may be doing, can make work hell. Your cubicle can quickly turn into a jail cell, the sentence as long as you are required to pay the bills. But you can’t stand up against the humiliation and injustices because A) you don’t want to lose your job and move in with your parents and B) if you lose your job and have no money you might as well put your junk in a jar of formaldehyde for long preservation, because you won’t be getting any for a long time. So, instead of going commando on your boss, as glorious as it seems in your daily fantasy, eat massive quantities of garlic for a few days. Soon it will be pouring out of every pore in your body and you will smell like the inside of a quarantined locker room inflicted with an outbreak of athlete’s foot. And forget memos. Make sure to take every opportunity to talk to him or her in person, so they can get a mouthful of the foul, stinking stench. It’s been great working with you sir.

The soulless partier: Aside from their whoring around and stealing boyfriends or girlfriends, they bounce around thinking they’re hot sh!t and if there are drugs around, particularly the ego-boosting cocaine, they will be swarming like flies. They might be too late for an intervention, but a little trickery and mild humiliation could do their inflated egos a bit of good. Show up to the party or club with a bag of pure baking soda and yell, “Hey! I brought an 8 ball! Straight off the boat, Colombia’s finest.” Then charge double the market value and enjoy the rest of the evening knowing they’ll be snorting benign lines every twenty minutes off the tops of dirty toilets in the bathroom.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply