It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horoscope. Some of these Horoscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Libra: September 23-October 22
When people ask how you have survived this long it isn’t because they are genuinely impressed. They are just mad Darwinism has been slacking.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Next year people will be required to take state “intelligence” tests in order to reproduce because of people like you.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
People ask how you stay in such a happy mood, if only they knew how true the saying “ignorance is bliss” really is.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Discovering Hepatitis Z would feel groundbreaking for medicine if you weren’t patient zero.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Buying your condoms at Costco proves that you possess the utmost confidence in your game.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Continuing to post on Facebook that being single is your choice and fun. Too bad nobody’s buying it.
Aries: March 21-April 19
You’ll bring your date home to make the beast with two backs when you realize she wasn’t being sarcastic about her anal leakage issue.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
After having a 30-minute conversation with Visa regarding your late payment fees you’ll walk away feeling great!
Gemini: May 21-June 21
Things go from annoying to scary when you find an empty bath salts wrapper at the Halloween party and notice everyone’s not “acting” like a zombie.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
The good news is you finally found extraterrestrial life and have proof. The bad news is the proof is stashed up your keister.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Congrats! You’ve really improved your animal husbandry skills, now if you could only get the goats to breed with each other…
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Who knew that your idea to start an affordable “mustache rides” venture would end in total and complete financial failure.