It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you… that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Those broken eggs you walked past in the street weren’t from the store. Get ready for a hands on experience of “The Birds.”
Libra: September 23-October 22
Waking up in a tub of ice after a wild night out suddenly makes all of your date’s Cosby jokes unfunny.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Getting told it’s too early for Halloween takes its toll on your self-image yet again.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
There’s a fine line between having a best friend and dressing up as them and trying to kill them to steal their identity.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Keep wasting your life thinking about how much of your life you’ve wasted.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
They say there are no stupid questions, but you somehow always prove them wrong.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Fourth party in a row you got invited to that happen to get cancelled. Keep your head up though, they might stop inviting you all together after the fifth time…
Aries: March 21-April 19
Your dance skills cause many to think the seizures you suffer is a poor attempt to bring back the Harlem Shake.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
People only love your trusting nature so they can keep taking advantage of you.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
Here’s your PSA: A friend is a gift you give yourself. Unless they didn’t want to be your friend, then it’s just kidnapping.
Cancer: June 22-July 22
In the future, hope they make it mandatory for your Facebook friends list to attend your funeral. That’s the only way anyone will show up.
Leo: July 23-August 22
You’re not attractive enough for your personality to be considered quirky, so you just come across as creepy.