It’s a new month and nothing will make things worse than reading your Horrorscope. Some of these Horrorscopes might actually happen and if it’s you that really sucks, but hey; it’s your life and who cares!
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You’ll get drunk, break up with your girlfriend and send her nude pics. In the morning you’re grandma will call asking you what’s up with the selfies.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Your girlfriend will take your prank war way too far by sending a package to you. Upon opening it you will see a dildo and a bottle of lube.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
You will finally work up the nerve to talk to the girl you’ve liked. After awkwardly managing to work up a nice conversation, you’ll think everything went well. Until you get home and realize that she stole your wallet.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
You’ll try skydiving for the first time. The professional that’s attached to you will have a boner the whole way down.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Your doctor wasn’t kidding when he said “sudden diarrhea may occur” with your new medication. You’ll learn this while walking your dog a mile away from your house.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your blind date will show up blind drunk to the restaurant, puke all over the table and leave you there to pay the bill.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
After months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of your dreams will tell you about the awesome guy she met recently.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You’ll wake up to the sun shining, birds tweeting and police sirens wailing at a drug bust next door.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Your boss will inform you that you’re too ugly to meet clients and that you should stay in the office to do paperwork. In other words, you’re a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
You’ll spend a weekend rummaging through old jeans and other pants due to being broke and needing cash for ramen noodles.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
After 11 months of being with your girlfriend you’ll learn that she is finally ready to have sex. You’ll discover this by walking in on her and one of your friends.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Next weekend you’ll spend three hours creating a Wikipedia page of yourself. Three minutes after publishing, it will be deleted due to you being a “Non-notable person nobody’s ever heard of.”